The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
The argument is about the application which provides evidences for opening new jazz club in Monroe. The application looks tenable at first glance but it contains a lot of unproven assumptions. It lacks strong evidences which support the argument.
The author have described that the current jazz club is 65 miles away. But he did not mention about the fame of the club among Monroe people. He cannot simply mention that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe only because of that 100,000 people attended annual jazz festival last summer. Summer is the vacation time for school children. To make them engaged,parents would have brought them to the jazz festival.
The author also cited that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe. But there is no data regarding other musicians. People who are famous in other music like pop can also live there. The author cannot relate the people's interest in jazz to the highest-rated radio program. It may be due to the
person who host the show or the radio station may make some celebrities to talk in that show.
The author had taken a data given by nationwide study which indicates that jazz fan is spending close to $1000 per year on jazz entertainment. But the report is not based on Monroe people alone. There is no data provided for how much people are spending for the rest of the entertainment. People may spend more money for salsa dance. Some may spend more for hip-hop.
The whole argument is based on author's assumptions. The survey should have been conducted among the people to know how much they are interested in jazz music club. The argument would have become strong if the precise data based on this survey was given.
Sentence: The author also cited that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe.
Error: well-known Suggestion: well known
Sentence: The author cannot relate the people's interest in jazz to the highest-rated radio program.
Error: highest-rated Suggestion: highest rated
flaws:
Avg. Sentence Length: 13.857 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.445 7.5
No. of Words: 291 350
No. of Characters: 1365 1500
No. of Different Words: 155 200
(need more compound sentences and more words)
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 2 2
No. of Sentences: 21 15
No. of Words: 291 350
No. of Characters: 1365 1500
No. of Different Words: 155 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.13 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.691 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.308 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 89 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 55 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 38 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 20 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 13.857 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.445 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.476 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.302 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.527 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.099 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5