Individual greed and selfishness has been the basis of the modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to build a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Oriented around survival, it is in our nature to take care of our own needs first. However the instinct eventually got a bad rap and became the source of negative emotions like fear and guilt. Some people argue that we should go back to the traditional ways by acting respectfully toward family members and local community. I believe that we need to be both. It’s not an either-or.
Being selfish is critical. If one cannot take care of himself, then he cannot care for others. Selfish individuals tend to take better care of themselves instead of giving too much energy away serving the needs of everyone else. For example, Dennis Nally is global chairman of PwC, he travels more than any other person, exercises all the time and eats well. He knows in order to sustain his travel agenda he has to take the time to take care of himself. Besides, acting in one’s own self-interest may give him an advantage in leadership roles. Selfish people are more confident and less likely to give up on goals. They go after what they want unapologetically, and they’re not afraid to ask for the raise or promotion.
However, by showing respect to one’s fellow human beings, one can avoid misunderstandings, garner loyal friends, and earn that respect that he wants from others. When individuals respect authority, it promotes social order. This is important because it allows society to grow and flourish. For example, taxes are used to create social programs and fund government policies. As a result, there are roads, public services and more economic opportunities available. Moreover, authority figures often establish rules to protect the safety of the individual. These types of rules are encountered early in people's lives, when their parents say something such as "You are not allowed to play with the light sockets." As such, people respect authority because they know that doing so will promote them from harming themselves.
In conclusion, being called selfish does not feel like a compliment, but the trait can actually make one a better person. Also, learn how to better show others the amount of respect they deserve validates the other person's self-worth and can strengthen relationships and diffuse volatile situations.
Sentence: Oriented around survival, it is in our nature to take care of our own needs first.
Description: The fragment Oriented around is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace Oriented with adverb
I believe that we need to be both.
Description: 'both' refers what? You don't think people can understand what you are writing if you refer something too far.
Dennis Nally is global chairman of PwC
Dennis Nally is the global chairman of PwC
learn how to better show others the amount of respect they deserve validates the other person's self-worth and can strengthen relationships and diffuse volatile situations.
Description: can you re-write this sentence? Try to figure out what is subject, what is verb.
Sentence: They go after what they want unapologetically, and they're not afraid to ask for the raise or promotion.
Error: unapologetically Suggestion: No alternate word
flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
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Your another problem is that you make the essay writing complicated. You think philosophically and try to put a lot of things in one sentence. You need to develop simpler sentences but make them logically and grammatically clear. Try this pattern:
Para 1: introduction. my choice: A or B. agree or disagree.
Para 2: First,reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 2 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).
Para 3: Second,reason 2 ,blabla... do the same thing as First
Para 4: Third, reason 3 blabla... do the same thing as First but shorter
Para 5: Conclusion.
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 6.0 out of 9
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 23 15
No. of Words: 370 350
No. of Characters: 1809 1500
No. of Different Words: 236 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.386 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.889 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.578 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 132 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 90 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 54 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 35 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 16.087 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 6.467 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.565 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.245 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.429 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.118 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5