Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age.Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks

Essay topics:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age.

Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks

Although many people believe that young children should be taught to manage their money. I do strongly disagree with this idea. In my opinion children are not mature enough to think about serious things in life instead they require enough attention in order to grow healthily. Moreover asking the children to think about money management is not applicable. Last but not least is about the adults that they start to imitate their favorable characters during their adultness. It seems that adults can learn from these characters about different things such as how they were responsible adults.

Doubtless, children should play a lot and their parents should help them experiencing an enjoyable time during their young ages if they want their children to become prosperous in the future. Actually, speaking about serious things with children is harmful for them since they are not mature enough to distinguish about different perspectives. An example from my own life may shed some light on this issue, I remember the time when I was 7 years old once that my sister told me about how to manage my own money I faced a conflict. I was very depressed at that time since I thought that if I buy an ice-cream we would become poor.

We should always remember that one would learn about an issue only if he would face it in the real world. Actually, it is not logical trying to teach a child to take care about his money in order to help him become financially responsible in the future since this child never face an actual occasion in order to realize about the consequences of not controlling his savings. Just imagine you are not married and someone insists to teach you about how to behave in different situation when your partner is angry. It is obvious that until you do not experience real-life situations you could not be able to learn anything.

Another side of the coin however is the moment when adults start to behave similar to the famous characters in the society. It is clear that adultness is a suitable age in which one start to change something in his self, start to plane for his future life. Parents may start to speak about how money saving is important and how this famous characteristics have control and manage their money when they were adults.

To warp it out, from a child how prefer to play instead of think about serious issues, to a child who does not really face with real situation, and a child who does not actually imitate anyone for learning about different behaviors, speaking about managing money is not suitable and can cause harm to children.

Votes
Average: 8.7 (3 votes)
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Comments

this child never face an actual occasion
this child never faces an actual occasion

in which one start to change something
in which one starts to change something

from a child how prefer to play
from a child who prefers to play

Sentence: To warp it out, from a child how prefer to play instead of think about serious issues,
Description: The token of is not usually followed by a verb, base: uninflected present, imperative or infinitive
Suggestion: Refer to of and think

Sentence: Last but not least is about the adults that they start to imitate their favorable characters during their adultness.
Error: adultness Suggestion: No alternate word

Sentence: It is clear that adultness is a suitable age in which one start to change something in his self, start to plane for his future life.
Error: adultness Suggestion: No alternate word

flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2

Duplicate words or sentences. Look:
No. of Words: 449 while No. of Different Words: 207 //don't need to put reasons at introduction paragraph.

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 24 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 2 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 449 350
No. of Characters: 2093 1500
No. of Different Words: 207 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.603 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.661 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.39 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 136 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 90 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 61 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 36 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 24.944 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 11.616 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.722 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.335 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.557 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.179 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5

There are some duplicate words or sentences in your essay. Look:
No. of Words: 449 while No. of Different Words: 207

Suggestions:
1.Don't need to put reasons at introduction paragraph. This will create a lot of repetitive words.

2. Less content for examples, but more content for arguments. Try this pattern:

Para 1: introduction. my choice: A or B. agree or disagree.

Para 2:First,reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 2 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).

Para 3:Second,reason 2 ,blabla... do the same thing like First

Para 4:Third, reason 3 blabla... do the same thing like First but shorter

Para 5: Conclusion.