TOEFL ESSAY: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?

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TOEFL ESSAY: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?

An infant starts his life the very first time he opens his eyes to this world in a family. All the primary experiences and learnings are with the help of his family that make him survive. Infants and children are totally dependent to their fathers and mothers. Each individual educates and grows up by the assistance of his parents. After acquiring enough knowledge and experience, a new feeling starts forming inside each individual, the need to be independent. Most people do like staying with their family for a more time, but there are situations that make this not possible for him and wants independence. What makes this feeling arise sooner in some young adults than others can be categorized to his families reaction towards him at adolescence which sometimes also includes relational matters and economic issues in the family which go as follow.

One important stage in each person's life is when he is adolescent. The natural curios and energetic behavior at this stage might not be easy to handle for all parents. This results in the misunderstanding of teenagers and carrying wrong actions towards them. These actions assist the feeling for being independent to the family and trying to start a new life with less fluency on it from one’s parents.

Another important factor which speeds up the need for young adults to become independent is money matters. When a family has different kinds of economic issues within it, the members usually become familiar with earning money at earlier stages. This new source of earning which is totally dependent from the family can be an initial step towards helping young adults to become independent. With having a source of money that is enough to rent an apartment and handle daily needs, even younger teenagers would like to become independent.

To have a conclusion, young adults will want independence in families with economic issues and families that create problems for them in their important adolescence stage of life much earlier than families with more wealth, prosperity and understanding towards their young adults.

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young adults will want independence in families with economic issues and families that create problems for them in their important adolescence stage of life much earlier than families with more wealth, prosperity and understanding towards their young adults.
Description: can you re-write this sentence?

flaws:
Introductions could be shorter.

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 22 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 16 15
No. of Words: 342 350
No. of Characters: 1712 1500
No. of Different Words: 176 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.3 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.006 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.567 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 132 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 89 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 53 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 36 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 21.375 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.71 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.188 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.319 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.525 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.134 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5