An official sample essay for TOEFL academic discussion task with score 4
Writing Practice Set 4: (Academic Discussion) -- Instructions, Question and Discussion
Your professor is teaching a class on economics. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.
In your response you should:
•express and support your opinion
•make a contribution to the discussion
An effective response will contain at least 100 words. You will have 10 minutes to write it.
Dr. Achebe
When people are asked about the most important discoveries or inventions made in the last two hundred years, they usually mention something very obvious, like the computer or the cell phone. But there are thousands of other discoveries or inventions that have had a huge impact on how we live today. What scientific discovery or technological invention from the last two hundred years—other than computers and cell phones—would you choose as being important? Why?
Paul
I mean, we’re so used to science and technology that we are not even aware of all the things we use in our daily lives. I would probably choose space satellites. This technology happened in the last hundred years, and it has become important for so many things. Just think about navigation, or telecommunications, or even the military.
Claire
I am thinking about medical progress. Like, for example, when scientists discovered things about healthy nutrition. I am thinking of identifying all the vitamins we need to stay healthy. I am not sure exactly when the vitamin discoveries happened, but I know they are very important. Our health is much better than it was 200 years ago.
=====================================================
Writing Practice Set 4: (Academic Discussion) -- Sample Responses
Response B, Score of 4
===================
From my personal point of view, I think the most important invention is the light bulb. Before it was invented, people had have to use candles for illumination in the evening. It's performance is not very stable, and it is produce really high tempreture which would probably lead to a fire accident. Light bulbs, however, produce constant and bright lighting at nights. One light bulb could use for several years, which is quite convenient-people don't need to storage many bulbs. What's more, it is safer than past candles. This is a huge progress in technology, and I consider it as the most vital invention from the last 200 years.
Score explanation
This is a generally successful response. The writer chooses the light bulb as the most important invention and contrasts it with the disadvantages of using candles (their unstable performance, high temperature, and possibility of fire. The writer then names several advantages of the light bulb (a stable, long-lasting performance; brightness; and safety. Notice these points are in direct contrast to the mentioned drawbacks of candles, which is an effective way to support the choice.
However, the argument might have been a little stronger if the writer had discussed not only why light bulbs are better than candles, but also why light bulbs are the most important invention of the past 200 years (other than computers and cell phones, perhaps by mentioning at least one way in which they have helped societies progress.
While the writer uses a nice variety of grammatical constructions and fairly precise vocabulary, the number and type of errors in grammar and vocabulary prevent it from reaching the highest score level. Multiple small errors such as “had have to use”, “it is produce”, “one light bulb could use for years”, and “don’t need to storage” are distracting for the reader even though the intended meaning is still usually clear.