The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on web.
The line graph illustrates the amount of people entering the two new music websites called “Music Choice” and “Pop Parade” during 15 days’ period.
According to the figures that the graph indicates, the number of people visiting “Music Choice” fluctuated between 20000 t0 60000 during first 11 days. On day 12 the amount of visitors rocketed to 110000 and hit its peak on the following day, which was equal to 120000, after that the number started to go down slowly.
On the other hand, “Pop Parade” had much more visitors than “Music Choice”, which were almost 120000 people. However, from that time on the number of them decreased gradually until reaching to about 40000 on ninth day. Then the sum of visits began to rise sharply except for the 40000’s decrease of the days 13 and 14 and reached top on the last day when the site draw 170000 people’s attention.
To sum it up, taking all the information into account we can surely say “Pop Parade” has beaten “Music Choice” in terms of popularity through all the period apart from the days 13 and 14.
Then the sum of visits began to rise sharply except for the 40000’s decrease of the days 13 and 14 and reached top on the last day when the site draw 170000 people’s attention.
Description: can you re-write this sentence?
Sentence: Then the sum of visits began to rise sharply except for the 40000's decrease of the days 13 and 14 and reached top on the last day when the site draw 170000 people's attention.
Description: The fragment site draw 170000 is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace draw with verb, past tense
flaws:
'On the other hand' means However. It doesn't mean 'On another hand'.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 7.0 out of 9
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 2 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 7 10
No. of Words: 186 200
No. of Characters: 835 1000
No. of Different Words: 116 100
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 3.693 4.0
Average Word Length: 4.489 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.105 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 59 60
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 28 50
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 19 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 10 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 26.571 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 6.543 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.714 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.478 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.753 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.201 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 4