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Please someone assess this essay and give a band score. Thanks a lots.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic.
Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, while the international cooperation was enlarged, rich countries support poorer countries by the way that give much money. It is undeniable that this is a good action but I believe that it is not a useful idea.

There is a fact that, money only can solve temporary problems. Poor countries can upgrade road system and public constructions, build more school for children when they received money from richer countries. The government can provide food and drug for national people. However, the money is limited while more and more problem will appear. If there are supply sources from foreign nation, they will continue to fall to the difficult situations.

On the other hand, it is necessary to give other solutions to tackle this issue. The rich countries can encourage their business broadening the commercial in poor countries. This solution will increase opportunity for people such as career, the money which they earn … Besides, they can transfer modern technology to develop the industry in poor countries. On a small scale, they can give a lot of doctor who volunteer take care of free for patient. But not at least, they should give many scholarships for students. If they register an opportunity to enlarge their knowledge, they will back their countryside and improve both economic and education system. That is the way which they need to build their country and their future. Knowledge leads innovation, innovation leads growth.

In conclusion, from the above analyses, I believe that the best way helping poor countries is not financial aid, that is the road which they can develop their country by themselves way.

Comments

You may polish the sentences, for example, you like to start with the pronoun 'they' all the time:

Besides,
they can transfer modern technology to develop the industry in poor countries. On a small scale,
they can give a lot of doctor who volunteer take care of free for patient. But not at least,
they should give many scholarships for students. If
they register an opportunity to enlarge their knowledge,
they will back their countryside and improve both economic and education system. That is the way which
they need to build their country and their future.