The following argument was made in a newspaper editorial:“The autonomy of any country is based on the strength of its borders; if the number of illegal immigrants entering a country cannot be checked, both its economy and national identity are endangered.

Sentence: However, on looking closely we can easily see that may evidence to support the statement made by the author that illegal immigrants must be sent back to their country are missing.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by a noun, singular, common
Suggestion: Refer to may and evidence

Sentence: It can be stated that autonomy of a country is somewhat determined by its inhabitants but mainly rest in the hands of the authorities running the country and cannot effected by some immigrants, unless they pose threat to the people and authorities of the country.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by a verb, past participle
Suggestion: Refer to cannot and effected

Sentence: Also, are they rebellious in establishing a strong position of their community in the country or some spy of another countries thus, endangering the national identity or they just docile and just want a living and the major cause to immigrate was to find a living.
Description: A pronoun, personal, nominative, not 3rd person singular is not usually followed by an adjective
Suggestion: Refer to they and rebellious
Description: A determiner/pronoun, singular is not usually followed by a noun, plural, common
Suggestion: Refer to another and countries

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argument 1 -- not OK

argument 2 -- OK
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flaws:
better to have 4-5 paragraphs:

para 1: introduction
para 2: argument 1
para 3: argument 2
para 4: argument 3
para 5: conclusion

read a sample:
http://www.testbig.com/gmatgre-essays/autonomy-any-country-based-streng…

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 2.5 out of 6
Category: Poor Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 13 15
No. of Words: 390 350
No. of Characters: 1895 1500
No. of Different Words: 181 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.444 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.859 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.699 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 151 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 118 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 77 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 49 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 30 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 14.077 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.538 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.361 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.521 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.128 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 3 5