Peer Grading IELTS Academic Writing Task 2

Hi !

I submitted my first Task 2 essay for IELTS Academic writing and got a score of 7 by e-grader . Can anybody please review the submission and grade it ? Comments would be welcome.

Task question
Essay topics: Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.


My submission :
Organisational work culture has witnessed a paradigm shift in recent times with some people inclined towards a frequent migration between companies while other section of people believe that loyalty to one organisation outweighs the advantages of changing organisations. I would like to agree with the first section of people that is it is better to not dedicate one's own career to one organisation for an entire working lifetime.

It is generally accepted that exposure to multiple working environments fosters creative thinking, widens a person's knowledge and ability to survive and thrive in competitive conditions. Consider a fish that lives in an aquarium. When put in a larger pond or a lake, it succumbs to the adversarial conditions that exist in bigger habitats. Compared to this, schools of fishes living in larger aquatic environments adapt to survive and that lends more strength to them. However, there lies a commonly held opinion that frequent migrations imply that the person is less dependable and unprofessional. But this is unwarranted as an individual's professionalism depends on his or her competence in work and not on his history, And this competence can only be gained through a steeper learning curve that is difficult to attain by being loyal to one organisation.

On the other hand, loyalty to one company does display a sense of professionalism and dependability. This especially helps in getting promoted within an organisational hierarchy as the latter favors a person's professional reputation. Hence it is not wrong to state that working for one company for an entire career fetches better chances of rising among the ranks of institutional ladder. But people treading this path tend to lose out on many opportunities outside the boundaries of their organisation. In a more personal experience, a long career in computer networking leads to lesser chances of learning emerging cutting-edge technologies of work offered in other companies.

On a detailed examination of both pros and cons of the two types of organisational behavior, it can be concluded that working in different organisations offers vantages that outweigh organisational loyalty as the former provides wider horizons for exploring new things and enhancing one's own career. As a popular saying goes "Love your job, but not your company", it is apt in today's scenario to credit personal growth with more importance than loyalty for an organisation. In the long run, this attitude complements the growth of the organisation itself.

It is a great essay. I give it 7.5 out of 9.

I only see one issue, look at the topic:

...and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

but I didn't see very clear examples 'from your own knowledge or experience.'