The graph below shows four countries of residence of overseas students in Australia.
The line graphs elucidate the number of foreign students, who were from Indonesia, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore, coming to Australia for education between the periods of 1982 to 2000.
The highest number of students arrived in Australia was those from Indonesia (around 22,000 students) in 2000. Nearly 20,000 students were travelled from Singapore as it come the second highest arrivals at the same time. Even though scholars from those two countries were recorded at the highest number for 2000, however in the earlier period showed the different results. In 1921, there was the highest number of students who were coming from Malaysia (of 5,000) whilst students from the rest of countries consist of the equal number of 1000 students. After a few years, the countries showed an incremental trend, except for Malaysian students. The most drastic incremental was occurred in 1994, where Indonesian students raised more than 10,000 scholars, about 5,000 Hong Kong students and about 3,000 Malaysian students. Meanwhile Singaporean students steadily increased until 2000 to reach at its highest students of 20,000 whereas the rest of countries showed some drops in 1998.
It is apparent that, regardless of student’s nationality, the number of students increased over periods until 1998 and it dropped its numbers after that.
Sentence: Nearly 20,000 students were travelled from Singapore as it come the second highest arrivals at the same time.
Description: The fragment it come the is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace come with verb, past tense
Even though scholars from those two countries were recorded at the highest number for 2000, however in the earlier period showed the different results.
Description: don't put 'even though' 'however' in one sentence.
The most drastic incremental was occurred in 1994, where Indonesian students raised more than 10,000 scholars, about 5,000 Hong Kong students and about 3,000 Malaysian students.
Description: can you re-write this sentence?
flaws:
It is not well organized.
read a sample:
http://www.testbig.com/ielts-writing-task-i-essays/graph-below-shows-fo…
-------------------
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 6.0 out of 9
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 3 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 9 10
No. of Words: 209 200
No. of Characters: 1094 1000
No. of Different Words: 109 100
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 3.802 4.0
Average Word Length: 5.234 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.449 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 91 60
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 67 50
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 49 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 26 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.222 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.473 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.444 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.502 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.642 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.192 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 3 4