Independent TOEFL essay - TPO 14: A/D? People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries.
Travelling expands one's view, increases one's experience, and broadens the information. The way I see it, both trip to one's own country and to a foreign country can instruct worthwhile lessons and can benefit the traveler. However, the situations that people cope with in a country are similar. Hence, I prefer to travel to abroad. What follows is the elaboration of my viewpoint.
A journey outside a country endows people with a broad insight. That is to say, the more people travel to different countries, the deeper their outlook becomes. For example, when I was at the dormitory a few years ago, I encountered many students from different countries with diverse cultures. It was difficult for me to accept the differences at first and sometimes, I got upset by their behavior. However, my roommate, who had travelled a lot, dealt with them surprisingly well since she knew that they do not misbehave intentionally. Therefore, going to many places and facing with many customs had given a deep insight to my roommate.
Overseas travelling bestow great experiences on people and makes them face with different situations and the solutions that local people use to not be in trouble. For instance, once the electricity of my apartment cut off because of some problems in the electricity network in a hot summer day, I drenched a piece of cloth and put it on my head - the same as the way some people use in lower altitudes. I learned it when I traversed to a desert in central Iran that water evaporates and cools you down and suppresses your body to lose fluids. Hence, I used my experience of a trip to deal with a problem.
It is also important to bear in mind that experiencing new conditions and facing various issues and people give a breadth of knowledge. In fact, observing is a way of gaining information. As students learn about a particular subject in a field trip, the traveler learns new information by going abroad and observing new places, customs, and people.
Decisively, if one assesses the benefits of travelling abroad, one soon realizes that it is worth to see a foreign country at least once. In fact, the differences between lifestyle in foreign countries and the one's own country can be advantageous since it provides profound outlook, valuable experience and wider knowledge.
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- In the following sentence "that" refers to what I learned from my trip, not to where I had a trip.
I learned it when I traversed to a desert in central Iran "that" water evaporates, cools you down and suppresses your body to lose fluids.
Mayb, that is better to say in this way:
I learned that water evaporates, cools you down and suppresses your body to lose fluid when I had a trip to a desert in central Iran.
- In addition, what do you mean by people benefit...? I have not written this sentence! I have only given an example of a dorm situation because students are people as well.
- And when is this structure used: to + not + verb? I have seen it in some reading passages. However, it is a typo in my essay. I meant not to be but as I type very quickly, I sometimes make this kind of mistakes.
in the topic: 'People benefit
in the topic: 'People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries. ', but look at this sentence, 'As students learn about a particular subject in a field trip, the traveler learns new information by going abroad and observing new places, customs, and people. '
there are two different subjects:
students
the traveler
so it is confusing.
local people use to not be in trouble.
local people use not to be in trouble.
in central Iran that water evaporates and cools you down and suppresses your body
in central Iran where water evaporates to cool you down and suppress your body
flaws:
Need more comparisons to traveling in their own country. Try this pattern:
Para 1: introduction. my choice: A or B. agree or disagree. (suppose we support side A)
Para 2: First, reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 1 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).
Para 3: Second, reason 2, blabla... do the same thing as First
Para 4: Admittedly, there are some advantages of side B. first,....second...However, there is no causation/relation... Still I support side A, ...first,....second...
Para 5: Conclusion.
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one more error is that: it is 'People benefit more....'; it is not 'students benefit more..'
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 21 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 2 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 20 15
No. of Words: 391 350
No. of Characters: 1864 1500
No. of Different Words: 206 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.447 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.767 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.779 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 137 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 110 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 72 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 52 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 19.55 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.992 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.65 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.287 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.512 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.082 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5