Reflection on writing journey

Writing can often be seen as a difficult and nerve-racking thing to do for many people including myself. Nonetheless, it undoubtedly is one of the most important skills no matter where we use it as it helps us, the writers, to express and convey our thoughts and feelings to our aimed audience. Throughout my 12 years of the learning experience, I have concluded that writing is not about using fancy words, advanced grammar, or how to satisfy all the readers’ preferences and likings, but it is just a way to show what we are, who we are, and to show our characteristics and opinions. That being said, on my writing journey, I encountered many difficulties and made many mistakes. I was not able to find my writing style and I am still trying to discover it.
Starting from the moment I entered primary school till the day I graduated from high school, I have always been considered a perfect and exemplary student who has excellent writing skills and never gets a bad mark. My writings even got praised and were seen as samples for other students to read and learn. However, little do they know that all of those nice and good essays I wrote were just the things said by teachers and I just paraphrased and memorized all of them. I could not write anything without instructions and guidelines from my literature teacher and would eventually get bad grades. Even worse than that, I always tried to adjust my way of writing or even imitate someone else’s writing style to meet the requirements of different teachers. Sometimes, I do not even read the books and just read and learn by heart all of my teacher’s teaching guides to get good grades on writing tests. Everything went perfectly and smoothly until the day I had to sit for the Vietnamese literature university entrance test which would be graded by random teachers from different parts of the country and that was the worst nightmare for me.
It happened just 2 months ago. I still remember clearly how confident I was as I had memorized all of the analysis and instructions from my teacher. However, all of that disappeared the moment I read the question. It was about something that I did not learn. “Tick tock, tick tock” - the sound of the clock ticking made me anxious. It reminded me of how much time I had left to finish my literature test. Everyone was still writing, trying to finish their essays but I was stuck. I had never read or studied that part of the book which then became the topic of our writing, and it did not give us the materials but only the requirements. I looked around, in search of someone to empathize with but I was the only one. I started panicking, my hands became so shaky and sweaty that I could not hold my pen properly, then my legs started to tremble in nervousness too. I did not know what to write and how to start but I could not give up on it because it would greatly affect my grades. I racked my brain, trying to remember that part of the book and what my literature teacher had said about it. However, that was all in vain and the only thing I could remember was the title of the story and the simple plot of it. I looked at the clock again and realized that I only have 35 minutes left. I had no choice but to write anything I know down so as not to hand in a blank sheet of paper.
I started the writing with the opening I had memorized many times and was approved by my teacher. I then tried to lengthen it with some parts I could recall and filled it up with complete nonsense. I knew I had digressed from the question but there was no other way to help me. Even then, I still could not finish the essay and had to stop every single minute to think about what to write next - I always lack ideas. “Time’s up. Put your pens down right now”, said the teacher as she went to collect everyone’s papers. She snapped the paper out of my hand as I was still trying to finish it. I sat there completely soulless thinking about what was going to happen to me after that…
In the end, I got 7 out of 10 with minus points for lacking main ideas, lacking an ending, and so on. My literature teacher even called me to ask about what happened that day and I could not be honest or tell her anything. I told her I did not feel really good that day and could not do my best. I did not want to see my teacher’s and my parents’ disappointed face or hear other people’s criticism and judgment, but I had to face all of those in one night. Whenever someone asks about that writing score, I feel distressed, and I always try to hide it. It felt like a big burden pressuring my shoulders, and I could not keep my chin up because of the fear of being criticized.
Since then, every time I think about writing, I just feel so soulless and bored. I become so scared that I always feel unwilling and reluctant to pick up a pen and write. Going down from being a top student to a student that disappoint is an extremely awful and depressing experience. My friends keep comforting me and say it was just one bad grade, but they do not how I feel. It has never felt good being a top student. If I can turn back the time, I would rather always be an average or even a bad student. Because when a bad student gets a perfect score, it feels like they are the best, they are defying their limits, but if the top students get a perfect score, it will be viewed as granted, as they always should get. For good students, it is just about maintaining the top position and the reputation or falling to the bottom in the laughter of others. And that is how I feel – embarrassed, hurt, stressed, and depressed.
However, what happened has happened, I know I cannot change the past and I know I have to accept it and move on. I would not let one bad mark affect my whole life, but better learn from it and change into a better version of myself.
As a way to practice and find my interest in writing back, I participated in writing clubs and projects as a Content team member, and I had to say it was a helpful experience. I remembered being asked by my team leader: “What is your purpose for writing? Why and how do you decide to write about this?” It suddenly drew on me that in my whole life, I have always written to please others, but not myself and that I have fitted myself into the mold of rules and principles that were made by others. She then asked me to write my perspective and started gradually and gradually from writing a diary to some small novels. She was a great leader that has successfully inspired and encouraged people like me to write. It was long progress, but it has helped me find my confidence and my love for writing. I even got promoted to the leader position in the following term of the project