The bar chart shows the percentage of unemployed graduates

Essay topics:

The bar chart shows the percentage of unemployed graduates

Submitted by bocahnakal on Wed, 03/25/2015 - 13:58

The bar chart compares the percentage of unemployed graduates between men and women from January to October in 2008 and 2009. It can be clearly seen that the most unemployed graduates is men.

In the year 2008, it was noticeable that October was the month where graduates were mostly not employed. As we can see, the men were the highest percentage of people who were jobless by 16% while the women were just over 10%. On the contrary, both genders worked mostly on April and July in which the rates of employment in these months were similar, by around 8% and 6% for men and women respectively.

If we look at the figures in 2009, both genders show similar tendency where the graduates had no jobs on October, by 23% and 14% (males and females). On the other hand, it was on July men had a highest percentage of employment while the women were on April, approximately 11% and 6% in sequence.

To sum up, between the year 2008 and 2009, males were by far the most unemployed graduates, and the two genders mostly did not work in 2009.

Votes
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Essay Categories
IELTS Writing Task I - IELTS Academic

Comments

the most unemployed graduates is men.
the most unemployed graduates are men.

October was the month where graduates...
October was the month when graduates...

the men were the highest percentage
the men have the highest percentage

both genders show similar tendency where the graduates had no jobs
both genders show similar tendency while the graduates had no jobs //'where' is for location

while the women were on April, approximately 11% and 6%...
while the women were approximately 11% on April and 6%...

Sentence: On the other hand, it was on July men had a highest percentage
Description: The token a is not usually followed by an adjective, superlative
Suggestion: Refer to a and highest

flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2

don't refer something new:
'and the two genders mostly did not work in 2009.'

write whatever you see from the graphs.

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 5.0 out of 9
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 8 10
No. of Words: 189 200
No. of Characters: 814 1000
No. of Different Words: 97 100
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 3.708 4.0
Average Word Length: 4.307 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.413 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 45 60
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 38 50
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 21 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 16 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.625 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.978 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.625 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.47 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.723 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.14 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 4

Thank you sir for your comment.

Sentence: On the other hand, it was on July men had a highest percentage
Description: The token a is not usually followed by an adjective, superlative
Suggestion: Refer to a and highest

How about this?
On the other hand, it was on July men had the highest percentage

Thank you

sorry, better to use 'when' instead of 'that' here because of the date:
On the other hand, it was on July when men had the highest percentage

Cleft Sentences: It

Sentences introduced by 'It is' or 'It was' are often used to emphasize a specific subject or object. The introductory clause is then followed by a relative pronoun.

Examples:

It was I who received the promotion.

It is the awful weather that drives him crazy.

It was my brother who bought his new car from our neighbour last Saturday.

It was last Saturday when my brother bought his new car from our neighbour.

It was a new car that my brother bought from our neighbour last Saturday.

It was our next-door neighbour that my brother bought his new car from last Saturday.