"The citizens of Forsythe have adopted more healthful lifestyles. Their responses to a recent survey show that in their eating habits they conform more closely to government nutritional recommendations than they did ten years ago. Furthermore, there has been a fourfold increase in sales of food products containing kiran, a substance that a scientific study has shown reduces cholesterol. This trend is also evident in reduced sales of sulia, a food that few of the most healthy citizens regularly eat."
The excerpt assumes that the lifestyles of Forsythe citizens have become more healthier than before. To justify this statement, the excerpt cites a survey which examines the eating habits of the citizens, and a fourfold increase in sales of food products containing kiran also strengthens the statement. What is more, the reduction of sulia’s sale is another evidence that supports the excerpt. Although this excerpt seems logical at first glance, it is actually fraught with vague, unwarranted, and oversimplified assumptions.
As a threshold matter, the conclusion is based on a gratuitous assumption that Forsythe citizens’ eating habits really become better than before. The survey mentioned by the excerpt argues that people comply with governments’ nutritional recommendations better than they did ten years ago, but what if the interviewees of this survey told lies? Actually, it is quite difficult for anyone to precisely recall the memories ten years ago, not to mention the detailed eating habits ten years ago. In other words, what the interviewees claimed in the survey may not be so trustworthy. If the survey can collect more evidence which can correctly reflect how people ate ten years ago rather than just rely on people’s memory, the result will become more persuasive.
In the second place, the excerpt hints that people absorb more kiran, but this fails to prove that people’s lifestyles become really more healthier than before. After all, kiran is only a kind of substance that can function to reduce cholesterol, but reducing cholesterol does not necessarily mean that people’s lifestyles become better. Cholesterol is highly related to disease including obesity and cardiovascular diseases, but if Forsythe citizens do not have such diseases, even if they absorb more kiran, their body conditions will not become better than before. Therefore, if the excerpt can collect more information about the variety of diseases Forsythe citizens get, it may strengthen the conclusion.
Another major assumption in short of legitimacy is the causal relationship between the healthy lifestyles and the decreasing sales of sulia. The excerpt mentions that sulia is a food that most healthy citizens will not eat regularly, but it fails to explain why these healthy citizens do not eat sulia with details. It is also possible that these healthy citizens do not eat sulia just because the taste of sulia is not good, or cooking sulia consumes too much time, as a result of which they do not eat it regularly. Hence, identifying the specific reasons why these healthy citizens boycott sulia will function to substantiate the conclusion.
To sum up, the argument lacks credibility since the assumptions made in the analysis does not lend enough support to the conclusion that citizens’ lifestyles become better in Forsythe. The excerpt lacks the detailed information concerning about the eating habits of Forsythe citizens ten years ago, as well as the reasons why healthy citizens do not eat sulia. Also, the increasing sales of products containing kiran can just imply that people’s disease related to cholesterol may be reduced. In short, if the excerpt can collect and provide more information to answer the issues mentioned above, the excerpt will become more logical and persuasive.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 21 15
No. of Words: 523 350
No. of Characters: 2715 1500
No. of Different Words: 218 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.782 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.191 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.692 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 212 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 158 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 110 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 62 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 24.905 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 6.754 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.952 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.352 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.561 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.11 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 74, Rule ID: MOST_COMPARATIVE[2]
Message: Use only 'healthier' (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
Suggestion: healthier
...styles of Forsythe citizens have become more healthier than before. To justify this statement,...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 5, column 134, Rule ID: MOST_COMPARATIVE[2]
Message: Use only 'healthier' (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
Suggestion: healthier
... that people’s lifestyles become really more healthier than before. After all, kiran is only a...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 7, column 177, Rule ID: A_UNCOUNTABLE[1]
Message: Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply 'food'.
Suggestion: food
...lia. The excerpt mentions that sulia is a food that most healthy citizens will not eat...
^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
actually, also, but, first, hence, if, may, really, second, so, then, therefore, well, after all, in short, kind of, as a result, as well as, in other words, to sum up, what is more, in the second place
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 13.0 19.6327345309 66% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 14.0 12.9520958084 108% => OK
Conjunction : 12.0 11.1786427146 107% => OK
Relative clauses : 16.0 13.6137724551 118% => OK
Pronoun: 30.0 28.8173652695 104% => OK
Preposition: 52.0 55.5748502994 94% => OK
Nominalization: 15.0 16.3942115768 91% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2801.0 2260.96107784 124% => OK
No of words: 523.0 441.139720559 119% => OK
Chars per words: 5.35564053537 5.12650576532 104% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.78217453174 4.56307096286 105% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.8083261462 2.78398813304 101% => OK
Unique words: 226.0 204.123752495 111% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.432122370937 0.468620217663 92% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 865.8 705.55239521 123% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.7 1.59920159681 106% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 5.0 4.96107784431 101% => OK
Article: 12.0 8.76447105788 137% => OK
Subordination: 9.0 2.70958083832 332% => Less adverbial clause wanted.
Conjunction: 8.0 1.67365269461 478% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 6.0 4.22255489022 142% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 21.0 19.7664670659 106% => OK
Sentence length: 24.0 22.8473053892 105% => OK
Sentence length SD: 37.0721549306 57.8364921388 64% => OK
Chars per sentence: 133.380952381 119.503703932 112% => OK
Words per sentence: 24.9047619048 23.324526521 107% => OK
Discourse Markers: 9.61904761905 5.70786347227 169% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 3.0 5.25449101796 57% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 11.0 8.20758483034 134% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 6.0 6.88822355289 87% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.291919856519 0.218282227539 134% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0948029019336 0.0743258471296 128% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0744319863865 0.0701772020484 106% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.17105831828 0.128457276422 133% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0790272799494 0.0628817314937 126% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 16.3 14.3799401198 113% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 38.66 48.3550499002 80% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 13.8 12.197005988 113% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 14.1 12.5979740519 112% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.57 8.32208582834 103% => OK
difficult_words: 124.0 98.500998004 126% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 11.0 12.3882235529 89% => OK
gunning_fog: 11.6 11.1389221557 104% => OK
text_standard: 9.0 11.9071856287 76% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.