The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business
loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable
enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the
proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market
all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people
attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known
jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in
Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a
nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000
per year on jazz entertainment."
In this application, the author argues that a jazz music club in Monroe will be profitable. Taken as a whole, the argument distorted the view of the situation by manipulating facts and by lacking evidence. To justify this argument, the author notes that jazz music is popular in Monroe. However, careful scrutiny of the evidence reveals that it provides little credible support for the author’s conclusion. Hence, the argument can be considered unsustainable.
The argument readily assumes that because the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away, a new jazz club in Monroe will have its local market. This is merely an assumption made without much solid ground. The author should consider that whether there is any way for jazz fans to go to the club that is 65 miles away or not. For example, if there is any subway or highway that could facilitate commuting from Monroe to that city, then jazz fans might go there. Therefore, the argument would have been much more convincing if it provided evidence that fans of jazz living in Monroe would not go to another city if their own city have a jazz club.
Furthermore, the author cites that because in the last summer more than 10000 people attend the jazz festival in Monroe, jazz music is so popular in Monroe. This is a weak and unsupported claim as it does not demonstrate any clear correlation between the two facts, that too many people attending a jazz festival and Jazz music is favored. To illustrate further, the author should provide accurate statistics that show the reader that people who attended that festival were residents of Monroe and they did not come from other cities. Also, the statistics must provide evidence about the ratio of the total number of Monroe citizens to the total number of people who were at that festival. In this case, the application could be much more persuasive if it shows that the big rate of attending the festival were local residents.
Finally, the author notes that based on the nationwide study, jazz fans spend 1000 dollars per year on their favorite music type. A close examination reveals that this assumption is based on missing evidence. The reader will be convinced if the author provides evidence that how much is the sample collected for that study is relevant to the number of jazz fans of Monroe’s residents. Moreover, the author must provide precise statistics about how much money spend on jazz. The jazz fans may spend the whole money on going to jazz clubs or they might spend it on buying jazz CD albums or posters. Without these pieces of evidence, the argument will be seen as wishful thinking rather than a convincing application.
In conclusion, the author’s argument is unpersuasive at its stand. To bolster it further, the author must provide concrete evidence to get the chance of gaining the loan for the jazz club.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 5 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 4 2
No. of Sentences: 23 15
No. of Words: 486 350
No. of Characters: 2299 1500
No. of Different Words: 206 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.695 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.73 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.401 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 155 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 110 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 74 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 37 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 21.13 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.52 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.522 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.34 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.34 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.096 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 4, column 514, Rule ID: ON_GOING[1]
Message: Did you mean 'ongoing'?
Suggestion: ongoing
...The jazz fans may spend the whole money on going to jazz clubs or they might spend it on...
^^^^^^^^
Line 5, column 189, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
... of gaining the loan for the jazz club.
^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, finally, furthermore, hence, however, if, may, moreover, so, then, therefore, for example, in conclusion
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 22.0 19.6327345309 112% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 17.0 12.9520958084 131% => OK
Conjunction : 8.0 11.1786427146 72% => OK
Relative clauses : 22.0 13.6137724551 162% => OK
Pronoun: 39.0 28.8173652695 135% => Less pronouns wanted
Preposition: 50.0 55.5748502994 90% => OK
Nominalization: 23.0 16.3942115768 140% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2359.0 2260.96107784 104% => OK
No of words: 486.0 441.139720559 110% => OK
Chars per words: 4.85390946502 5.12650576532 95% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.69525374022 4.56307096286 103% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.51640706698 2.78398813304 90% => OK
Unique words: 217.0 204.123752495 106% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.446502057613 0.468620217663 95% => OK
syllable_count: 730.8 705.55239521 104% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.5 1.59920159681 94% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 3.0 4.96107784431 60% => OK
Article: 20.0 8.76447105788 228% => Less articles wanted as sentence beginning.
Subordination: 1.0 2.70958083832 37% => OK
Conjunction: 0.0 1.67365269461 0% => OK
Preposition: 7.0 4.22255489022 166% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 23.0 19.7664670659 116% => OK
Sentence length: 21.0 22.8473053892 92% => OK
Sentence length SD: 39.5872370642 57.8364921388 68% => OK
Chars per sentence: 102.565217391 119.503703932 86% => OK
Words per sentence: 21.1304347826 23.324526521 91% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.78260869565 5.70786347227 84% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 2.0 5.25449101796 38% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 11.0 8.20758483034 134% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 8.0 6.88822355289 116% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.297016787272 0.218282227539 136% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0950548756804 0.0743258471296 128% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0865159975663 0.0701772020484 123% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.178503095197 0.128457276422 139% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0866590099129 0.0628817314937 138% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 12.0 14.3799401198 83% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 58.62 48.3550499002 121% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 10.3 12.197005988 84% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.85 12.5979740519 86% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.83 8.32208582834 94% => OK
difficult_words: 97.0 98.500998004 98% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 8.0 12.3882235529 65% => OK
gunning_fog: 10.4 11.1389221557 93% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 58.33 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.5 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.