“Mental health experts have observed that symptoms of mental illness are less pronounced in many patients after group music-therapy sessions, and job openings in the music-therapy field have increased during the past year. Consequently, graduates from our degree program for music therapists should have no trouble finding good positions. To help improve the financial status of Omega University, we should, therefore, expand our music-therapy degree program by increasing its enrollment targets.”
The head of the music department claims that to improve the financial status of the university, the enrollment in the music department should be increased. To support his argument, the author presents the evidence of mental health expert's observation and the current job opening scenario of music-therapy graduate. Although the argument has few merits, because of lack of evidence, weak assumption and vague language makes the argument unsubstantiated and deeply flawed. Some of the flaws are as follows.
To begin with, the author assumes that the job opening for the music therapy graduates is increasing , and the future graduates will not have any problem in finding jobs after graduation in Music-therapy. This assumption is deeply flawed. The author has not shown any data of employment. For example, 5 graduates out of 50 got job last year, but 8 graduates out of 50 get job this year. Even though there is an increase in job appointment, but most of the graduate still unemployed.
Secondly, the authors present the evidence of mental health expert to support his argument. However, this evidence is deeply flawed as there is no direct link with increase in job. As per the expert, the mental illnesses are less pronounced in many patients after music therapy treatment. But, expert has not mentioned any direct link with the increase in job in the field of music therapy.
Lastly, the author claims that the increase in enrollment target will improve the financial status of the university. However, financial status of the university depends on various other factors such as infrastructure, availability of adequate faculty, funding other sources etc. But, author fails to offer any evidence how enrollment in this department will help the university to gain financial boost.
Though the author, as written, categorically presents an interesting, but flawed argument. The argument can be made stronger if author provides data on job increment every year, how expert's observation changes the market demand, and if increase in enrollment is the only option for the university to gain financial status. Without these information, the argument is less persuasive.
To conclude, although the author has put forward an interesting argument, but a flawed one due to the flaws mentioned above. The argument can be made stronger had the author mentioned the data as mentioned in the essay above. Otherwise, this argument has no legs to stand and remains unconvincing.
Comments
Essay evaluation report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 21 15
No. of Words: 396 350
No. of Characters: 2021 1500
No. of Different Words: 174 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.461 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.104 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.765 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 162 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 119 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 88 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 51 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 18.857 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.473 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.524 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.328 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.566 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.069 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 6 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 472, Rule ID: SOME_OF_THE[1]
Message: Simply use 'some'.
Suggestion: Some
...ment unsubstantiated and deeply flawed. Some of the flaws are as follows. To begin wit...
^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 5, column 101, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
Suggestion: ,
...he music therapy graduates is increasing , and the future graduates will not have ...
^^
Line 5, column 328, Rule ID: CD_NN[1]
Message: Possible agreement error. The noun 'job' seems to be countable, so consider using: 'jobs'.
Suggestion: jobs
... For example, 5 graduates out of 50 got job last year, but 8 graduates out of 50 ge...
^^^
Line 15, column 332, Rule ID: THIS_NNS[2]
Message: Did you mean 'this information' or 'these informations'?
Suggestion: this information; these informations
...rsity to gain financial status. Without these information, the argument is less persuasive. ...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
but, however, if, lastly, second, secondly, so, still, for example, such as, to begin with
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 12.0 19.6327345309 61% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 6.0 12.9520958084 46% => OK
Conjunction : 10.0 11.1786427146 89% => OK
Relative clauses : 3.0 13.6137724551 22% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 11.0 28.8173652695 38% => OK
Preposition: 48.0 55.5748502994 86% => OK
Nominalization: 32.0 16.3942115768 195% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2094.0 2260.96107784 93% => OK
No of words: 396.0 441.139720559 90% => More content wanted.
Chars per words: 5.28787878788 5.12650576532 103% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.46091344257 4.56307096286 98% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.88183006345 2.78398813304 104% => OK
Unique words: 183.0 204.123752495 90% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.462121212121 0.468620217663 99% => OK
syllable_count: 645.3 705.55239521 91% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 3.0 4.96107784431 60% => OK
Article: 11.0 8.76447105788 126% => OK
Subordination: 7.0 2.70958083832 258% => Less adverbial clause wanted.
Conjunction: 6.0 1.67365269461 358% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 5.0 4.22255489022 118% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 22.0 19.7664670659 111% => OK
Sentence length: 18.0 22.8473053892 79% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively short.
Sentence length SD: 49.7502855177 57.8364921388 86% => OK
Chars per sentence: 95.1818181818 119.503703932 80% => OK
Words per sentence: 18.0 23.324526521 77% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.09090909091 5.70786347227 72% => OK
Paragraphs: 6.0 5.15768463074 116% => OK
Language errors: 4.0 5.25449101796 76% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 13.0 8.20758483034 158% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 5.0 6.88822355289 73% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.2623864485 0.218282227539 120% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.079452134553 0.0743258471296 107% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.114156587465 0.0701772020484 163% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.138181200293 0.128457276422 108% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.119284871137 0.0628817314937 190% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 12.5 14.3799401198 87% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 53.21 48.3550499002 110% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 10.3 12.197005988 84% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 13.11 12.5979740519 104% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.2 8.32208582834 99% => OK
difficult_words: 92.0 98.500998004 93% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 11.0 12.3882235529 89% => OK
gunning_fog: 9.2 11.1389221557 83% => OK
text_standard: 13.0 11.9071856287 109% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.