The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of
developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the
nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local
market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended
Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the
highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a
nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz
entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."
Recently, an application was proposed, to get loan for opening a jazz club, by a group of developers in the city of Monroe. Regarding this matter, the author of the application concluded that opening of a new jazz club in Monroe would be a highly profitable and money-making business. Various evidences and facts are provided to support the proposal that include the distance to the nearest jazz club, popularity of jazz in Monroe on the basis of a jazz festival, living of several jazz musicians in Monroe, popularity of a jazz radio show and some data from a nation-wide survey. Although, the argument seems to be rife with flaws like lack of relevant evidence, unattended assumptions and vague terminologies.
The argument provides several facts but they all have lack of evidence. Firstly, it is stated that the distance of the nearest jazz club is 65 miles, and that would mean opening a jazz club in Monroe will get all the local market. There is no evidence to support the fact that the other jazz club considered is also successful. Also it assumed that the people of Monroe are really interested in going to a jazz club or listening to jazz music. Maybe people of Monroe are more interested in other music genres, than in jazz.
Another fact provided is the great number of people who attended previous year’s jazz festival in Monroe. However, the argument again lacks proper evidence and assumes that majority of those people were of Monroe. It is entirely possible that the major part of the crowd was from nearby places, and there was only a small number of people from Monroe who attended the festival.
The author also mentions the fact that there are several well-known jazz musicians who are the denizens of Monroe, and indirectly implies that this fact will help to bring people in their proposed club. This is a very vague fact, since the author does not mention what number is ‘several’. Also, it is unnecessarily assumed that because some people in Monroe are pursuing a career in jazz, other people are also that much interested in jazz. Also it is not mentioned that these artists would be performing in this jazz club, so that they could help in bringing audience. Simply their living in the same city does not as such implies anything.
Further facts are provided to support the argument like a jazz show being the most popular show among all the radio shows. There is also a possibility that other shows are not really that good and that’s why this jazz show is highest rated among them. Also only radio shows are considered here, and maybe music shows of other genres are aired on televisions, that are more popular than this jazz show.
Lastly, a fact is stated from a nation-wide study that a typical jazz fan spends $1000 per year on jazz entertainment. However, the audience of this study is not specified. Maybe the people considered in this study were financially sound, but it is not that every jazz fan around the country is economically stable so as to spend $1000 on just jazz entertainment, thus this fact also has a lack of evidence.
Also, it is a general human tendency to get bored from something after some time and since listening to jazz music is a hobby for people and not a necessity, it is possible that people lose interest in going to the jazz club after some time.
Since, this argument has a lot of flaws in it, doing more research and gathering more data from verified sources could help the author in correcting them. Also, the author might find more evidences and facts to support their claim.
Thus, in conclusion, this argument lacks proper evidences, has some vague terminologies and is based on a lot of assumptions. The author should do more research to clear out these flaws and propose a more convincing and compelling argument.
Comments
Essay evaluation report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 28 15
No. of Words: 660 350
No. of Characters: 3057 1500
No. of Different Words: 238 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 5.069 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.632 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.423 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 189 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 132 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 96 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 49 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.571 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.901 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.607 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.323 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.616 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.135 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 9 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 3, column 329, Rule ID: SENT_START_CONJUNCTIVE_LINKING_ADVERB_COMMA[1]
Message: Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Suggestion: Also,
...azz club considered is also successful. Also it assumed that the people of Monroe ar...
^^^^
Line 5, column 321, Rule ID: SMALL_NUMBER_OF[1]
Message: Specify a number, remove phrase, use 'a few', or use 'some'
Suggestion: a few; some
... from nearby places, and there was only a small number of people from Monroe who attended the fes...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 7, column 453, Rule ID: SENT_START_CONJUNCTIVE_LINKING_ADVERB_COMMA[1]
Message: Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Suggestion: Also,
... are also that much interested in jazz. Also it is not mentioned that these artists ...
^^^^
Line 9, column 258, Rule ID: SENT_START_CONJUNCTIVE_LINKING_ADVERB_COMMA[1]
Message: Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Suggestion: Also,
... jazz show is highest rated among them. Also only radio shows are considered here, a...
^^^^
Line 11, column 314, Rule ID: SO_AS_TO[1]
Message: Use simply 'to'
Suggestion: to
...ound the country is economically stable so as to spend 000 on just jazz entertainment, t...
^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, first, firstly, however, if, lastly, may, really, regarding, so, thus, well, as to, in conclusion
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 41.0 19.6327345309 209% => Less to be verbs wanted.
Auxiliary verbs: 9.0 12.9520958084 69% => OK
Conjunction : 20.0 11.1786427146 179% => OK
Relative clauses : 24.0 13.6137724551 176% => OK
Pronoun: 51.0 28.8173652695 177% => Less pronouns wanted
Preposition: 84.0 55.5748502994 151% => OK
Nominalization: 21.0 16.3942115768 128% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 3165.0 2260.96107784 140% => OK
No of words: 660.0 441.139720559 150% => Less content wanted.
Chars per words: 4.79545454545 5.12650576532 94% => OK
Fourth root words length: 5.06857624559 4.56307096286 111% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.60018541403 2.78398813304 93% => OK
Unique words: 258.0 204.123752495 126% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.390909090909 0.468620217663 83% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 994.5 705.55239521 141% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.5 1.59920159681 94% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 9.0 4.96107784431 181% => OK
Article: 10.0 8.76447105788 114% => OK
Subordination: 3.0 2.70958083832 111% => OK
Conjunction: 5.0 1.67365269461 299% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 5.0 4.22255489022 118% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 28.0 19.7664670659 142% => OK
Sentence length: 23.0 22.8473053892 101% => OK
Sentence length SD: 53.83786127 57.8364921388 93% => OK
Chars per sentence: 113.035714286 119.503703932 95% => OK
Words per sentence: 23.5714285714 23.324526521 101% => OK
Discourse Markers: 3.85714285714 5.70786347227 68% => OK
Paragraphs: 9.0 5.15768463074 174% => Less paragraphs wanted.
Language errors: 5.0 5.25449101796 95% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 17.0 8.20758483034 207% => Less positive sentences wanted.
Sentences with negative sentiment : 7.0 6.88822355289 102% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.277321311208 0.218282227539 127% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0908609689293 0.0743258471296 122% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0909259141096 0.0701772020484 130% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.128567888211 0.128457276422 100% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.112855324823 0.0628817314937 179% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 13.0 14.3799401198 90% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 56.59 48.3550499002 117% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.1 12.197005988 91% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.86 12.5979740519 86% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.55 8.32208582834 91% => OK
difficult_words: 116.0 98.500998004 118% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 19.5 12.3882235529 157% => OK
gunning_fog: 11.2 11.1389221557 101% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Write the essay in 30 minutes.
Maximum six paragraphs wanted.
Rates: 58.33 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.5 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.