The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
The following text talks about popularity of jazz in in the city of Monroe, and how the author is trying to set up a new business in the city for jazz enthusiast. He needs a loan for this application, but some arguments in the given loan-application are flawed as follows:
It is assumed that a Jazz Music club in the city of Monroe would be high profitable enterprise, without knowing if people really would want to join it. The nearest club being 65 miles away may not be profitable it has been assumed that people want this type of a club in the locality, even if it is profitable it is not clearly portrayed that people in Monroe like Jazz muisc. This argument can be strengthened by taking a survey locally. It has been stated that the local market would be available to the club only, but the existence of such market is not substantially proven about in the loan application, as the number of people visiting the jazz music festival in Monroe may be from outside town. Which gives a false representation of numbers. The radio show 'Jazz Nightly' maybe famous among the town because around 7p.m. it is the only radio frequency broadcasting music and not advertisements, so people tune in for uninterrupted music. Finally the nationwide study is used to strengthen the loan application which doesn't give a clear picture of how much a person in Monroe spends on jazz music, it gives the average of the whole nation. Hence, it cannot be correctly assumed for the town.
To strengthen the arguments in the application the author needs to five substantial proof that there is demand of jazz music in the town of Monroe which is not clearly visible from the current passage. The author can solidify current points by adding survey results about the music likes of people, by trying to collect data about how many locals visited the summer music festival in town. He can ask local record selling stores about the sales of jazz music CDs and DVDs. This way he will have a better chance of securing the loan for C-Note.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 3 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 5 2
No. of Sentences: 14 15
No. of Words: 359 350
No. of Characters: 1631 1500
No. of Different Words: 174 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.353 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.543 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.538 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 105 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 62 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 37 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 29 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25.643 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 12.664 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.5 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.357 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.49 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.119 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 3 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 51, Rule ID: ENGLISH_WORD_REPEAT_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a word
Suggestion: in
...ing text talks about popularity of jazz in in the city of Monroe, and how the author ...
^^^^^
Line 3, column 254, Rule ID: KIND_OF_A[1]
Message: Don't include 'a' after a classification term. Use simply 'type of'.
Suggestion: type of
... has been assumed that people want this type of a club in the locality, even if it is pro...
^^^^^^^^^
Line 3, column 703, Rule ID: SENTENCE_FRAGMENT[1]
Message: “Which” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
...val in Monroe may be from outside town. Which gives a false representation of numbers...
^^^^^
Line 3, column 944, Rule ID: SENT_START_CONJUNCTIVE_LINKING_ADVERB_COMMA[1]
Message: Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Suggestion: Finally,
...people tune in for uninterrupted music. Finally the nationwide study is used to strengt...
^^^^^^^
Line 3, column 1022, Rule ID: EN_CONTRACTION_SPELLING
Message: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: doesn't
...o strengthen the loan application which doesnt give a clear picture of how much a pers...
^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
but, finally, hence, if, may, really, so, then, thus
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 19.0 19.6327345309 97% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 10.0 12.9520958084 77% => OK
Conjunction : 5.0 11.1786427146 45% => More conjunction wanted.
Relative clauses : 8.0 13.6137724551 59% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 21.0 28.8173652695 73% => OK
Preposition: 52.0 55.5748502994 94% => OK
Nominalization: 8.0 16.3942115768 49% => More nominalizations (nouns with a suffix like: tion ment ence ance) wanted.
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 1663.0 2260.96107784 74% => OK
No of words: 358.0 441.139720559 81% => More content wanted.
Chars per words: 4.64525139665 5.12650576532 91% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.34981470047 4.56307096286 95% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.60108066217 2.78398813304 93% => OK
Unique words: 173.0 204.123752495 85% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.483240223464 0.468620217663 103% => OK
syllable_count: 516.6 705.55239521 73% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.4 1.59920159681 88% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 9.0 4.96107784431 181% => OK
Article: 4.0 8.76447105788 46% => OK
Subordination: 2.0 2.70958083832 74% => OK
Conjunction: 3.0 1.67365269461 179% => OK
Preposition: 3.0 4.22255489022 71% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 12.0 19.7664670659 61% => Need more sentences. Double check the format of sentences, make sure there is a space between two sentences, or have enough periods. And also check the lengths of sentences, maybe they are too long.
Sentence length: 29.0 22.8473053892 127% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively long.
Sentence length SD: 73.3473471458 57.8364921388 127% => OK
Chars per sentence: 138.583333333 119.503703932 116% => OK
Words per sentence: 29.8333333333 23.324526521 128% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.33333333333 5.70786347227 76% => OK
Paragraphs: 3.0 5.15768463074 58% => More paragraphs wanted.
Language errors: 5.0 5.25449101796 95% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 7.0 8.20758483034 85% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 2.0 6.88822355289 29% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 3.0 4.67664670659 64% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.375205907555 0.218282227539 172% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.133327612499 0.0743258471296 179% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0942687719115 0.0701772020484 134% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.23751175677 0.128457276422 185% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0858808025913 0.0628817314937 137% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 15.4 14.3799401198 107% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 58.96 48.3550499002 122% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 12.2 12.197005988 100% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.28 12.5979740519 82% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.99 8.32208582834 96% => OK
difficult_words: 66.0 98.500998004 67% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 18.5 12.3882235529 149% => OK
gunning_fog: 13.6 11.1389221557 122% => OK
text_standard: 19.0 11.9071856287 160% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Minimum four paragraphs wanted.
Rates: 50.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.