"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
This business loan application states that a new jazz music club in Monroe would be highly profitable. The author reaches this conclusion by citing a couple of reasons such as little competition and that jazz is a popular music genre in Monroe. While the author’s claims are plausible, they are based on assumptions which would need further insights or details to establish.
First, the author mentions that the nearest competition is 65 miles away, so the new jazz club will be profitable. This assumption is rife with holes because the author assumes people will be unwilling to drive all the way down to the other jazz club. It is possible this other jazz music club is the best in Monroe and has been in existence for a long time, hence has a built a solid fan base of loyal customers. It is also possible this jazz club offers incentives to their members that the proposed new club may not be offering to its prospective customers. Likewise, there’s the possibility that majority of jazz enthusiasts in Monroe actually live close to this other club and it will be inconvenient for them to commute all the way down to the new one, regardless of how great the new jazz club may be.
Moving further, the author wrongly assumes last year’s attendance of the annual Monroe festival will be the same this year. What if the attendance was high last year because it was Monroe’s turn to host all jazz enthusiasts across the country? That would mean only jazz lovers in Monroe will attend this year’s festival, and that undermines the author’s assumption. Another line of thought is the possibility of a bigger annual festival comprising of jazz and other music genres happening around the same time as the annual Monroe festival. If that happens, there may be a drastic decline in Monroe’s festival attendance.
The author also fails to mention the correlation between festival attendance and weeknight show to the success of the proposed jazz club. What if residents of Monroe would rather attend a jazz festival or listen to a radio program than go to a jazz club? We just can’t know for sure.
Lastly, the author cites a national survey which states jazz fans spend $1,000 on average on jazz entertainment. While this may be true, we don’t know the scope or validity of the survey. For all we know the study may not have involved Monroe residents, and if it did involve them, it may have been a few jazz enthusiasts out of maybe hundreds. If that is the case, the author’s stance is weakened.
In conclusion, the author’s proposal, while convincing, may not hold because they are based on several assumptions without concrete facts to back them up. To determine if this business plan will be successful, the author has to provide more accurate details or insightful studies or surveys.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 5.0 out of 6
Category: Very Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 8 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 4 2
No. of Sentences: 22 15
No. of Words: 483 350
No. of Characters: 2258 1500
No. of Different Words: 222 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.688 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.675 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.496 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 154 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 109 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 75 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 42 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 21.955 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.906 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.727 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.344 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.584 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.151 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 6 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 5, column 438, Rule ID: COMPRISING_OF[1]
Message: Did you mean 'comprising' or 'consisting of'?
Suggestion: comprising; consisting of
...possibility of a bigger annual festival comprising of jazz and other music genres happening a...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 9, column 72, Rule ID: COMMA_PARENTHESIS_WHITESPACE
Message: Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
Suggestion: ,
...onal survey which states jazz fans spend ,000 on average on jazz entertainment. Wh...
^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
actually, also, first, hence, if, lastly, likewise, may, so, thus, while, as to, in conclusion, such as
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 26.0 19.6327345309 132% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 19.0 12.9520958084 147% => OK
Conjunction : 12.0 11.1786427146 107% => OK
Relative clauses : 11.0 13.6137724551 81% => OK
Pronoun: 35.0 28.8173652695 121% => Less pronouns wanted
Preposition: 49.0 55.5748502994 88% => OK
Nominalization: 13.0 16.3942115768 79% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2341.0 2260.96107784 104% => OK
No of words: 482.0 441.139720559 109% => OK
Chars per words: 4.85684647303 5.12650576532 95% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.68556276237 4.56307096286 103% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.6331037734 2.78398813304 95% => OK
Unique words: 226.0 204.123752495 111% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.46887966805 0.468620217663 100% => OK
syllable_count: 702.0 705.55239521 99% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.5 1.59920159681 94% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 9.0 4.96107784431 181% => OK
Article: 8.0 8.76447105788 91% => OK
Subordination: 5.0 2.70958083832 185% => OK
Conjunction: 2.0 1.67365269461 119% => OK
Preposition: 2.0 4.22255489022 47% => More preposition wanted as sentence beginning.
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 22.0 19.7664670659 111% => OK
Sentence length: 21.0 22.8473053892 92% => OK
Sentence length SD: 43.2869772183 57.8364921388 75% => OK
Chars per sentence: 106.409090909 119.503703932 89% => OK
Words per sentence: 21.9090909091 23.324526521 94% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.68181818182 5.70786347227 82% => OK
Paragraphs: 6.0 5.15768463074 116% => OK
Language errors: 2.0 5.25449101796 38% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 19.0 8.20758483034 231% => Less positive sentences wanted.
Sentences with negative sentiment : 1.0 6.88822355289 15% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 2.0 4.67664670659 43% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.415598885351 0.218282227539 190% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.141011983395 0.0743258471296 190% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.109389787016 0.0701772020484 156% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.223799150071 0.128457276422 174% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.121449470233 0.0628817314937 193% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 12.4 14.3799401198 86% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 58.62 48.3550499002 121% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 10.3 12.197005988 84% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.91 12.5979740519 87% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.79 8.32208582834 94% => OK
difficult_words: 95.0 98.500998004 96% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 11.0 12.3882235529 89% => OK
gunning_fog: 10.4 11.1389221557 93% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 58.33 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.5 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.