Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium — substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore say that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors and that causes the bones to weaken significantly with age. But a long-term study of a large number of people found that those who consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
The author concludes that the consumption of milk and dairy products may increase the risk of osteoporosis based on the long-term, large-scale study. The argument needs various pieces of evidence that could substantiate the author’s conclusion.
Before we assess the author’s conclusion based on the study, we can also look at the prior claim (by many) that dairy products prevent osteoporosis. This claim rests on the assumption that a) milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium, and b) that vitamin D and calcium could build and maintain bones. So, we would need evidence for example in the form of credible research studies that these assumptions are in fact true. If the assumptions are showed to be false, then the prior claim is not sound.
Second, even if those assumptions are shown to be correct and milk and dairy products do build and maintain bones, this does not mean that they prevent osteoporosis. According to the passage, osteoporosis is caused by environmental and genetic factors, not by bone damage (in fact, bone damage is a symptom of osteoporosis, not the cause). So, the prior claim that milk and dairy products prevent osteoporosis needs to be supported by evidence that clarifies the link between dairy consumption and the environmental and genetic factors that cause osteoporosis.
Moving on to the long-term study on which the author bases their conclusion, the first evidence we need to see is whether other factors were held constant in the study. The study shows that consistent consumption of dairy products correlates with a higher rate of bone fractures. However, we don’t know whether the higher rate of bone fractures was just a coincidence and caused by other factors, or if it’s caused by the consumption of dairy. In order to establish a causal relation, we need more information on the other factors in the study, for example the age of participants, gender, lifestyle, career, etc. For example, a boxer would have a higher chance of bone fractures, or a woman after her period, or an elderly person.
But an even more significant flaw in the study is that it is concluding that the higher rate of bone fractures (claimed to be caused by dairy consumption) is synonymous with occurrence of osteoporosis. Just because osteoporosis causes bone fractures doesn’t mean that all bone fractures are the result of osteoporosis. In order to conclude that dairy consumption is correlated with higher rate of osteoporosis, the authors of the study would need to measure the occurrence of osteoporosis directly and not use bone fracture rate as a proxy.
Lastly, the study draws a clear distinction between those who consistently consumed dairy products with higher bone fractures and “other participants” who have lower bone fractures. Evidence is needed here to support this distinction. For example, we do not know whether those “other participants” also consumed dairy products, though maybe in a smaller amount and less consistent way. If we found evidence that showed that there is a significant difference in the rate of dairy consumption in the dairy group and the other group, this would strengthen the conclusion of the study.
In conclusion, there is a lack of evidence showing the link between dairy products and vitamin D and calcium, dairy products and osteoporosis. Therefore, the author’s conclusion is unfounded.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 3 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 6 2
No. of Sentences: 22 15
No. of Words: 554 350
No. of Characters: 2749 1500
No. of Different Words: 203 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.852 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.962 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.834 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 178 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 145 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 105 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 72 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25.182 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.843 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.727 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.359 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.622 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.189 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 7 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 13, column 15, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
...nclusion of the study. In conclusion, there is a lack of evidence showing the ...
^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, first, however, if, lastly, look, may, second, so, then, therefore, for example, in conclusion, in fact
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 23.0 19.6327345309 117% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 12.0 12.9520958084 93% => OK
Conjunction : 25.0 11.1786427146 224% => Less conjunction wanted
Relative clauses : 20.0 13.6137724551 147% => OK
Pronoun: 38.0 28.8173652695 132% => Less pronouns wanted
Preposition: 67.0 55.5748502994 121% => OK
Nominalization: 24.0 16.3942115768 146% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2853.0 2260.96107784 126% => OK
No of words: 552.0 441.139720559 125% => OK
Chars per words: 5.16847826087 5.12650576532 101% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.84713113593 4.56307096286 106% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.9819429397 2.78398813304 107% => OK
Unique words: 216.0 204.123752495 106% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.391304347826 0.468620217663 84% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 873.9 705.55239521 124% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 8.0 4.96107784431 161% => OK
Article: 9.0 8.76447105788 103% => OK
Subordination: 5.0 2.70958083832 185% => OK
Conjunction: 5.0 1.67365269461 299% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 5.0 4.22255489022 118% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 23.0 19.7664670659 116% => OK
Sentence length: 24.0 22.8473053892 105% => OK
Sentence length SD: 46.4519183494 57.8364921388 80% => OK
Chars per sentence: 124.043478261 119.503703932 104% => OK
Words per sentence: 24.0 23.324526521 103% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.95652173913 5.70786347227 87% => OK
Paragraphs: 7.0 5.15768463074 136% => Less paragraphs wanted.
Language errors: 1.0 5.25449101796 19% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 12.0 8.20758483034 146% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 2.0 6.88822355289 29% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 9.0 4.67664670659 192% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.286231685598 0.218282227539 131% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0957842663446 0.0743258471296 129% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0980916428096 0.0701772020484 140% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.170721257314 0.128457276422 133% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0810413717726 0.0628817314937 129% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 14.9 14.3799401198 104% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 47.12 48.3550499002 97% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 12.7 12.197005988 104% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 13.0 12.5979740519 103% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.8 8.32208582834 94% => OK
difficult_words: 104.0 98.500998004 106% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 10.5 12.3882235529 85% => OK
gunning_fog: 11.6 11.1389221557 104% => OK
text_standard: 13.0 11.9071856287 109% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Maximum six paragraphs wanted.
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.