"The Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons. First of all, the Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age levels; there is no audition to attend the school. Second, the school offers instruction in nearly all musical instruments as well a wide range of styles and genres from classical to rock. Third, the faculty includes some of the most distinguished musicians in the area. Finally, many Mozart graduates have gone on to become well-known and highly paid professional musicians."
The author claims that, the Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons. To support his conclusion, he cites various evidences such as Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age levels; ther is no audition to attend the school, the school offers instruction in nearly all musical instruments as well a wide range of styles and geners from classical to rock and the faculty includes some of the most distinguished musicians in the area. Although these evidences appear to bolster the argument, a meticulous analysis will show otherwies. So, to make the argument more sound, the author needs to cite the following especific evidences.
1)There may be other school in the area which also welcomes youngesters at all ability and age levels.
2)There might be other Schools as well where in order to enroll audition is not mandatory.
3)Other Schools may have more number of emininent musicians in the area.
First of all, the writer assumes that Mozart School is the only School in that area which welcomes youngesters at all abililty and age levels. Perhaps, there could be other Schools in the area which also welcomes students even more warmly than usually Mozart School does. Ther writer has not presented the statistics of the School's which are located in the area. If such schools presents in the area, the assumption made by the author becomes unwarranted.
Secondly, the author cites there is no audition in order to attend the school. Does the quality of the school and the audition are related? When the audition is not taken, does it ensure the quality produtction of the musician? The writer presents an unwarranted assumption here in order to reach into the conclusion. The author need to cite especific evidence of how the audition is corelated with the audition.
Thirdly, the writer assumes that, only his school contains some of most distinguished musicians in the area. Perhaps, there might be a lot of other intitutions where more number of eminient musicians in the area presents.In that case, he might not content that the Mozart School of Music should be the first choice.
In sum, without these above especific evidences such as the statistics of presency of other in the area, the coorelaton of the production of musicians with the audition, the real statistics of the number of distinguished musicians in the area, he cannot convince me on his assertion.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 2 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 16 2
No. of Sentences: 19 15
No. of Words: 410 350
No. of Characters: 2001 1500
No. of Different Words: 172 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.5 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.88 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.56 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 152 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 101 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 75 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 45 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 21.579 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 13.048 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.684 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.376 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.376 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.149 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 466, Rule ID: SOME_OF_THE[1]
Message: Simply use 'some'.
Suggestion: some
...ssical to rock and the faculty includes some of the most distinguished musicians in the are...
^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 7, column 221, Rule ID: SENTENCE_WHITESPACE
Message: Add a space between sentences
Suggestion: In
...eminient musicians in the area presents.In that case, he might not content that th...
^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, first, if, may, second, secondly, so, third, thirdly, well, such as, first of all
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 14.0 19.6327345309 71% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 11.0 12.9520958084 85% => OK
Conjunction : 6.0 11.1786427146 54% => More conjunction wanted.
Relative clauses : 13.0 13.6137724551 95% => OK
Pronoun: 17.0 28.8173652695 59% => OK
Preposition: 59.0 55.5748502994 106% => OK
Nominalization: 17.0 16.3942115768 104% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2066.0 2260.96107784 91% => OK
No of words: 409.0 441.139720559 93% => More content wanted.
Chars per words: 5.05134474328 5.12650576532 99% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.49708221141 4.56307096286 99% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.63275348128 2.78398813304 95% => OK
Unique words: 178.0 204.123752495 87% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.435207823961 0.468620217663 93% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 635.4 705.55239521 90% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 3.0 4.96107784431 60% => OK
Article: 13.0 8.76447105788 148% => OK
Subordination: 3.0 2.70958083832 111% => OK
Conjunction: 0.0 1.67365269461 0% => OK
Preposition: 5.0 4.22255489022 118% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 19.0 19.7664670659 96% => OK
Sentence length: 21.0 22.8473053892 92% => OK
Sentence length SD: 77.4473639501 57.8364921388 134% => OK
Chars per sentence: 108.736842105 119.503703932 91% => OK
Words per sentence: 21.5263157895 23.324526521 92% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.57894736842 5.70786347227 80% => OK
Paragraphs: 8.0 5.15768463074 155% => Less paragraphs wanted.
Language errors: 2.0 5.25449101796 38% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 9.0 8.20758483034 110% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 4.0 6.88822355289 58% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 6.0 4.67664670659 128% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.437058941179 0.218282227539 200% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.146928435571 0.0743258471296 198% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.143783421307 0.0701772020484 205% => The coherence between sentences is low.
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.201115579279 0.128457276422 157% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.138961756641 0.0628817314937 221% => More connections among paragraphs wanted.
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 13.1 14.3799401198 91% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 50.16 48.3550499002 104% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.5 12.197005988 94% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 12.01 12.5979740519 95% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.88 8.32208582834 95% => OK
difficult_words: 83.0 98.500998004 84% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 19.0 12.3882235529 153% => OK
gunning_fog: 10.4 11.1389221557 93% => OK
text_standard: 12.0 11.9071856287 101% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Maximum six paragraphs wanted.
Rates: 50.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.