a foreign visitor has only one day to spend in your country. Where should this visitor go on that day?

Essay topics:

a foreign visitor has only one day to spend in your country. Where should this visitor go on that day?

The question is that take a foreign visitor has only one day to spend in your country. Where should this visitor go on that day? Everyone in consideration to his private view point can suggest a specific city or place, however since I would rather to propose Shiraz city in Iran to him. My arguments and reasons are listed below which will strengthen my suggestion:
To begin with, since I am an archaeologist, so it is obvious to choose a ancient city. It is axiomatic that better perceiving a country requires a deep understanding from that country; hence Shiraz is the best choice. There is a place is called PERSPOLIS OR TAKHTE JAMSHID in 20 kilometer of Shiraz. This site is related with Achaemenian in 2500 BC and it made by Dariush. The huge stone buildings with awesome decorations and flora and fauna motifs can absorb everyone toward themselves. This foreign person will be able to obtain the most worthwhile information about people's life, their ceremonies and beliefs in the past from the most expert guides in there.
Two second reason why I opt Shiraz for this tourist, lies in the fact that Shiraz includes the most appealing masques, Bazaars and houses from Islamic period, therefore there will an opportunity for this man to get familiar with pure architecture of Iran. Nobody could overlook this fact that architecture of a community plays a crucial role in its culture. It goes without saying that with regard to the houses and its materials, paints and even its furniture, an aware about people's needs and their emotions will be gained.
Having discussed this issue from this point of view, I am going to empower it by following discussion. There is a variety of delicious food and desert in Shiraz that it evolves all traditional dishes in Iran. As we all know, the best part of a trip is the test of different cuisines of that country.
By taking all arguments mentioned, this conclusion could be drawn that Shiraz in Iran can help a tourist to acquire the most useful information about Iranian people and their culture, history, architecture, costume and behavior and so on.

Votes
Average: 7 (2 votes)
Essay Categories

Comments

The question is that take a foreign visitor has only one day
The question is that a foreign visitor has only one day

choose a ancient city
choose an ancient city

Two second reason why I opt Shiraz
The second reason why I opt Shiraz

flaws:
You may remove those pattern sentences. Examiners can easily figure them out.

---------------------
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 22 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 3 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 16 15
No. of Words: 361 350
No. of Characters: 1702 1500
No. of Different Words: 205 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.359 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.715 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.586 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 123 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 85 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 49 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 36 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.562 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.993 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.375 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.29 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.29 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.073 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5

sorry I don't understand exactly what you said about this sentence"You may remove those pattern sentences. Examiners can easily figure them out." ? you suggest me to change my pattern? however you know, 2 weeks ago I took Toefl exam and my score in writing was 25 with this same pattern but my total score was low; hence I have to take Toefl again AND I don't want to reduce my score in my writing.

for example, pattern sentences like:

Having discussed this issue from this point of view, I am going to empower it by following discussion...

By taking all arguments mentioned, this conclusion could be drawn that...

Some examiners may care since a lot of others users use the same sentences. If you don't have bad experiences on pattern sentences, you can continue.