some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice?

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some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice?

Imagine a city, for example New york is a pertinent one, where several people with disparate personality and various economics position are living together, at the first glance everything is good, but at a much deeper look it is shown that different economics situation causes a predicament situation for some students, which makes them to work simultaneously when are studying their major at school or university. As far as I am concerned I truly believe that having a dexterity skill at future and being well educated are assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create a countenance, promulgate advantages of working while students study.

The starting point from what its worth, is an example from Iran research institute which utter that those students who are having a distress about money for their nutritive properties are going to be much more educated rather than those who have not even faced with a dilemma from their longevity of life, well its tightly related to their thinking and their goals for their future, it means those who are not sure about their parents support will try harder and longer than those who are completely cognizant of their parents lush incomes. Being well educated means having a virtuosity when those students who were working when they were studying, have a job at their workplace. Skillful workers will intensify economics growth of their country.

One more special thing about working students is they are more familiar with atmosphere of workplace. Imagine a situation when two separate students are seeking for a chance to get a job for themselves, one of them has a background on working even one year at a profitless factory, in contrary the other one does not have a experience, when a company wants to employ a worker from these two students, without no exception the one who has a job experiment has higher chance of being employed.

In conclusion, its an arrangement so specialize and sophisticated that these reasons, including being familiar with workplaces and atmosphere and having high skill on their major, simultaneously largely outweigh the advantages of working students. I suggest government to provide good circumstances for working students to work like more reasonable wage and insurance backup.

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One more special thing about working students is they are more familiar with atmosphere
One more special thing about working students is that they are more familiar with the atmosphere

Sentence: In conclusion, its an arrangement so specialize and sophisticated that these reasons, including being familiar with workplaces and atmosphere and having high skill on their major, simultaneously largely outweigh the advantages of working students.
Description: A determiner, possessive is not usually followed by an article
Suggestion: Refer to its and an

flaws:
The introduction paragraph is too long and it should be straight forward.

don't use a pattern or pattern sentences in real TOEFL exams.

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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 19 in 30
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 2 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 10 15
No. of Words: 371 350
No. of Characters: 1880 1500
No. of Different Words: 195 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.389 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.067 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.744 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 135 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 111 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 80 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 51 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 37.1 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 26.872 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.5 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.379 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.618 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.068 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5