Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium — substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore say that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors and that causes the bones to weaken significantly with age. But a long-term study of a large number of people found that those who consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.
The author of the argument points out that a diet rich in dairly products may actually increase, instead of decreasing the risk of osteoporosis. To buttress his argument, the author cites the following evidences: first, long-term study found that those who consistently consumed dairy products have higher rate of bone fractures; second, bon fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis. Although persistent consuming of dairy might increase the risk of osteoporosis, we should be offered more evidences to evaluate the argument.
To begin with, the first piece of information we need to fully evaluate the claim is the credibility of the study mentioned above. The author fails to give me more detailed information about this study. how many people participated in this study? how long does it take to gain the conclusion? what are the characteristics, personalities, health conditionf and ages of those participates? Without answering those kinds of questions, the study result might be biased. if the old are more readily suffered from bone fractures than the youth, while most people in the study are aged above 65, then the disproportion number of age groups might deflect the result and the study will be no longer convincing and representative. In addition, we should also be informed about the ways that scientists get statistics of every individual. if the study is conducted by self-report, then whether people accurately record their dairy consumption might be problematic. On the other hand, if researches strictly control daily intake of dairy and all people have no other resources to gain dairy, then the result might be more persuasive.
Moreover, the author should provide more evidences about causes of bone fractures and length of study. In all likelihood, difference in consumption in dairy is the major or the only cause of bone fractures, thereby strengthening the credibility of the study result. However, it is likely that bone fractures can be resulted from considerable factors. For example, people who exercise frequently might face higher risk of getting bone fracture. it is also likely that people whose job requires hard or laborious work might catch bone fractures more easily. Therefore, unless the study excludes all other potential factors in examining the rate of bone fractures, we cannot be highly convinced. Additionally, the author should also provide evidences about relationship between bone fractures and dairy intake. if such connection takes relatively short time to process and cause impact, then long-term study might be meaningless.
Last but not least, while it might be true that bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis, we require more evidences to valid it. it is plausible that bone fractures are symptomatics of many other diseases, such as cancer, diabetes and so forth. it would be unfair to attributes bone fractures simply to osteoporosis. what's more, we also need to examine whether there are other major symptomatic of osteoporosis. As we mentioned above, examining bone fractures are relatively ambiguous, as they could be symtons of other illness. if we can find the symptom that is unique to osteoporosis, then the conclusion is more grounded. also, if bone fractures is only a marginal factors in osteoporosis, but we remain other more important features unexamined, then strength of argument would be undermined.
To sum up, as it stands, the conclusion is relied on incomplete evidences that curtail the validity of the argument. To further strengthen the argument, the author ought to add evidences as follows: first, whether participates in study are representative; second, whether study is well-designed and objective; finally, whether there is undeniable connection between bone fractures and osteoporosis.
Comments
Essay evaluation report
argument 1 -- not exactly. need to argue:
'But a long-term study of a large number of people found that those who consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. '
argument 2 -- OK
argument 3 -- OK
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Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 591 350
No. of Characters: 3112 1500
No. of Different Words: 258 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.931 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.266 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.921 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 221 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 170 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 138 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 104 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 32.833 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 14.923 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.833 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.388 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.607 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.203 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 3, column 204, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: How
... detailed information about this study. how many people participated in this study?...
^^^
Line 3, column 248, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: How
...many people participated in this study? how long does it take to gain the conclusio...
^^^
Line 3, column 294, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: What
...ng does it take to gain the conclusion? what are the characteristics, personalities,...
^^^^
Line 3, column 467, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: If
...ions, the study result might be biased. if the old are more readily suffered from ...
^^
Line 3, column 829, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: If
...sts get statistics of every individual. if the study is conducted by self-report, ...
^^
Line 3, column 1123, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
...en the result might be more persuasive. Moreover, the author should provide more...
^^^^^
Line 5, column 445, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: It
...e higher risk of getting bone fracture. it is also likely that people whose job re...
^^
Line 5, column 809, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: If
...etween bone fractures and dairy intake. if such connection takes relatively short ...
^^
Line 7, column 252, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: It
... such as cancer, diabetes and so forth. it would be unfair to attributes bone frac...
^^
Line 7, column 324, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: Whats
... bone fractures simply to osteoporosis. whats more, we also need to examine whether t...
^^^^^
Line 7, column 324, Rule ID: EN_CONTRACTION_SPELLING
Message: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: what's
... bone fractures simply to osteoporosis. whats more, we also need to examine whether t...
^^^^^
Line 7, column 536, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: If
...they could be symtons of other illness. if we can find the symptom that is unique ...
^^
Line 7, column 633, Rule ID: UPPERCASE_SENTENCE_START
Message: This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
Suggestion: Also
..., then the conclusion is more grounded. also, if bone fractures is only a marginal f...
^^^^
Line 7, column 804, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
...rength of argument would be undermined. To sum up, as it stands, the conclusion ...
^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
actually, also, but, finally, first, however, if, may, moreover, second, so, then, therefore, well, while, for example, in addition, such as, to begin with, to sum up, on the other hand
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 34.0 19.6327345309 173% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 24.0 12.9520958084 185% => OK
Conjunction : 14.0 11.1786427146 125% => OK
Relative clauses : 12.0 13.6137724551 88% => OK
Pronoun: 35.0 28.8173652695 121% => Less pronouns wanted
Preposition: 70.0 55.5748502994 126% => OK
Nominalization: 15.0 16.3942115768 91% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 3205.0 2260.96107784 142% => OK
No of words: 591.0 441.139720559 134% => OK
Chars per words: 5.42301184433 5.12650576532 106% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.93056706295 4.56307096286 108% => OK
Word Length SD: 3.06084027976 2.78398813304 110% => OK
Unique words: 275.0 204.123752495 135% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.465313028765 0.468620217663 99% => OK
syllable_count: 1026.0 705.55239521 145% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.7 1.59920159681 106% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 9.0 4.96107784431 181% => OK
Article: 9.0 8.76447105788 103% => OK
Subordination: 13.0 2.70958083832 480% => Less adverbial clause wanted.
Conjunction: 1.0 1.67365269461 60% => OK
Preposition: 9.0 4.22255489022 213% => Less preposition wanted as sentence beginnings.
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 30.0 19.7664670659 152% => OK
Sentence length: 19.0 22.8473053892 83% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively short.
Sentence length SD: 54.2481540905 57.8364921388 94% => OK
Chars per sentence: 106.833333333 119.503703932 89% => OK
Words per sentence: 19.7 23.324526521 84% => OK
Discourse Markers: 6.16666666667 5.70786347227 108% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 14.0 5.25449101796 266% => Less language errors wanted.
Sentences with positive sentiment : 7.0 8.20758483034 85% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 14.0 6.88822355289 203% => Less negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 9.0 4.67664670659 192% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.0940182407645 0.218282227539 43% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.031286365982 0.0743258471296 42% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0358323608788 0.0701772020484 51% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.0638039528845 0.128457276422 50% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0506003755917 0.0628817314937 80% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 13.9 14.3799401198 97% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 43.73 48.3550499002 90% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.9 12.197005988 98% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 14.16 12.5979740519 112% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.37 8.32208582834 101% => OK
difficult_words: 142.0 98.500998004 144% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 15.0 12.3882235529 121% => OK
gunning_fog: 9.6 11.1389221557 86% => OK
text_standard: 15.0 11.9071856287 126% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.