Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium — substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore say that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors and that causes the bones to weaken significantly with age. But a long-term study of a large number of people found that those who consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
The author of this argument claims that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis. However, readers need further proof to verify the argument offered by the author.
First of all, the author claims that there is a long-term study of a large number of people, and found that these people with consistently consumed dairy products will have higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants. However, this observation might be insufficient because the author didn’t indicate the precise number of people that being observed and the percentage of people who has the symptom of bone fractures. Furthermore, the average age is also another important factor. As a consequence, the author has to indicate the precise number of people and age group that he studied.
Second, the study mentioned that those people consume more dairy products will have a higher rate of bone fractures. Yet the study didn’t inform us how much dairy they consume. For instance, one meal contains a cup of milk or must having cheese for the breakfast. This evidence of these habit will strengthen the study and really help readers to prevent from the osteoporosis.
Third, the author fails to consider all the possible factors that caused the osteoporosis. The frequency of doing exercise might also be an important problem for the risk of getting osteoporosis. That is to say for some teenager, they don’t like the dairy product and lack of exercise, then they get the osteoporosis. Considering that the osteoporosis is a disease that is linked in both environmental and genetic factors, the study can’t deny the impact of the exercise. Furthermore, what if these group of people born with osteoporosis gene, so it’s obviously that they have more possibility to getting osteoporosis, but the study still count them as a normal person.
To sum up, the author needs to provide more details or evidence of these group of people to convince the readers. In particular the details of age group and their daily routine of diet, frequency of doing exercise, and the most important one, if they born with osteoporosis or whether their parents have the osteoporosis or not. These evidences will strength the statement and help readers to exam themselves, if they match few points of the study then they should pay more attention of the risk of getting osteoporosis.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.0 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 5 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 3 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 400 350
No. of Characters: 1952 1500
No. of Different Words: 188 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.472 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.88 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.64 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 136 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 98 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 65 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 40 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.222 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.515 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.833 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.339 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.339 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.127 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 2, column 7, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
... argument offered by the author. First of all, the author claims that there is ...
^^
Line 2, column 70, Rule ID: LARGE_NUMBER_OF[1]
Message: Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use 'many' or 'numerous'
Suggestion: many; numerous
...aims that there is a long-term study of a large number of people, and found that these people wit...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 3, column 282, Rule ID: THIS_NNS[2]
Message: Did you mean 'this habit' or 'these habits'?
Suggestion: this habit; these habits
...ese for the breakfast. This evidence of these habit will strengthen the study and really he...
^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 5, column 252, Rule ID: PRP_PAST_PART[1]
Message: Possible grammatical error. You used a past participle without using any required verb ('be' or 'have'). Did you mean 'bore'?
Suggestion: bore
...se, and the most important one, if they born with osteoporosis or whether their pare...
^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
actually, also, but, first, furthermore, however, if, may, really, second, so, still, then, third, as to, for instance, in particular, to sum up, that is to say
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 8.0 19.6327345309 41% => More to be verbs wanted.
Auxiliary verbs: 11.0 12.9520958084 85% => OK
Conjunction : 15.0 11.1786427146 134% => OK
Relative clauses : 12.0 13.6137724551 88% => OK
Pronoun: 34.0 28.8173652695 118% => OK
Preposition: 47.0 55.5748502994 85% => OK
Nominalization: 9.0 16.3942115768 55% => More nominalizations (nouns with a suffix like: tion ment ence ance) wanted.
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2018.0 2260.96107784 89% => OK
No of words: 397.0 441.139720559 90% => More content wanted.
Chars per words: 5.08312342569 5.12650576532 99% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.46372701284 4.56307096286 98% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.76724757545 2.78398813304 99% => OK
Unique words: 192.0 204.123752495 94% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.48362720403 0.468620217663 103% => OK
syllable_count: 624.6 705.55239521 89% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 5.0 4.96107784431 101% => OK
Article: 10.0 8.76447105788 114% => OK
Subordination: 3.0 2.70958083832 111% => OK
Conjunction: 4.0 1.67365269461 239% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 3.0 4.22255489022 71% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 18.0 19.7664670659 91% => OK
Sentence length: 22.0 22.8473053892 96% => OK
Sentence length SD: 52.2453849341 57.8364921388 90% => OK
Chars per sentence: 112.111111111 119.503703932 94% => OK
Words per sentence: 22.0555555556 23.324526521 95% => OK
Discourse Markers: 8.88888888889 5.70786347227 156% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 4.0 5.25449101796 76% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 10.0 8.20758483034 122% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 4.0 6.88822355289 58% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.211172506969 0.218282227539 97% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0660909018908 0.0743258471296 89% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0589265454095 0.0701772020484 84% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.119252052414 0.128457276422 93% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0410482617871 0.0628817314937 65% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 13.5 14.3799401198 94% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 49.15 48.3550499002 102% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.9 12.197005988 98% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 12.18 12.5979740519 97% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.83 8.32208582834 94% => OK
difficult_words: 78.0 98.500998004 79% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 14.0 12.3882235529 113% => OK
gunning_fog: 10.8 11.1389221557 97% => OK
text_standard: 14.0 11.9071856287 118% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 58.33 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.5 Out of 6
---------------------
Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.