The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
In this application, developers listed many advantages to convince small business loan to accept their plan. At first glance, it looks reasonable that operating a jazz club in Monroe is a great opportunity to make profits. However, after analyzing each factor listed above, it’s not necessarily a wise choice to open a new pub.
To begin with, it provides a number that over 100,000 people attended well-known jazz music festival last summer, but it didn’t specify the type of activity. Did it require audience to buy a ticket, or free? It’s likely that people joining this concert accounts for high proportion among total citizens once we’re given how many people in Monroe. Still, it’s also likely that the festival held in summer vacation and it was free so parents were willing to bring children to participate in. Hence, only providing visited number of the certain activity isn’t persuading to prove jazz music is popular in this city.
On the other hand, it mentions that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe. Nevertheless, we cannot know what the definition of well-known is, and what the actual number of several is? Even though there are indeed more jazz musicians living in Monroe, it’s not logical to say that it exists the positive correlation between the jazz music market and the number of musicians. It doesn’t represent famous singers would be reluctant to performance in club instead of holding their own concert to make more money.
Last but not least, it points out one of the radio program falling into jazz category is the highest-rated among all of the programs. It’s possible that the data is collected correctly, and it really attracts many people to listen to it. However, it’s not necessarily true to link the idea that the purposed music pub will flourish in the town with the club business. In addition, 7.pm every weeknight maybe is the sector most people drive back to home or commute. What makes the program attracting and high ranking is not only the quality of it but the time it airs.
To sum up, it still needs lots of evidence to ensure that the plan is lucrative, which makes the application more smooth at the same time.
Comments
Essay evaluation report
here goes a sample:
https://www.testbig.com/gmatgre-argument-task-essays/following-was-writ…
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Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.0 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 376 350
No. of Characters: 1756 1500
No. of Different Words: 212 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.403 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.67 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.462 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 121 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 83 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 56 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 32 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 20.889 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.01 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.722 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.281 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.531 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.04 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 3, column 594, Rule ID: ALLOW_TO[1]
Message: Did you mean 'proving'? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'persuade' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
Suggestion: proving
... certain activity isn't persuading to prove jazz music is popular in this city. ...
^^^^^^^^
Line 7, column 114, Rule ID: ALL_OF_THE[1]
Message: Simply use 'all the'.
Suggestion: all the
...azz category is the highest-rated among all of the programs. It's possible that the d...
^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, first, hence, however, if, look, may, nevertheless, really, so, still, well, in addition, to begin with, to sum up, on the other hand
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 13.0 19.6327345309 66% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 3.0 12.9520958084 23% => OK
Conjunction : 10.0 11.1786427146 89% => OK
Relative clauses : 10.0 13.6137724551 73% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 30.0 28.8173652695 104% => OK
Preposition: 53.0 55.5748502994 95% => OK
Nominalization: 10.0 16.3942115768 61% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 1865.0 2260.96107784 82% => OK
No of words: 371.0 441.139720559 84% => More content wanted.
Chars per words: 5.0269541779 5.12650576532 98% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.38877662729 4.56307096286 96% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.6195550605 2.78398813304 94% => OK
Unique words: 220.0 204.123752495 108% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.592991913747 0.468620217663 127% => OK
syllable_count: 580.5 705.55239521 82% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 7.0 4.96107784431 141% => OK
Article: 0.0 8.76447105788 0% => OK
Subordination: 2.0 2.70958083832 74% => OK
Conjunction: 4.0 1.67365269461 239% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 7.0 4.22255489022 166% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 18.0 19.7664670659 91% => OK
Sentence length: 20.0 22.8473053892 88% => OK
Sentence length SD: 31.2081818965 57.8364921388 54% => The essay contains lots of sentences with the similar length. More sentence varieties wanted.
Chars per sentence: 103.611111111 119.503703932 87% => OK
Words per sentence: 20.6111111111 23.324526521 88% => OK
Discourse Markers: 8.0 5.70786347227 140% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 2.0 5.25449101796 38% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 12.0 8.20758483034 146% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 4.0 6.88822355289 58% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 2.0 4.67664670659 43% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.223845739944 0.218282227539 103% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0607559643292 0.0743258471296 82% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0476711173629 0.0701772020484 68% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.107927870088 0.128457276422 84% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0525358224497 0.0628817314937 84% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 12.6 14.3799401198 88% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 51.18 48.3550499002 106% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.1 12.197005988 91% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 11.89 12.5979740519 94% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.33 8.32208582834 100% => OK
difficult_words: 87.0 98.500998004 88% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 9.0 12.3882235529 73% => OK
gunning_fog: 10.0 11.1389221557 90% => OK
text_standard: 9.0 11.9071856287 76% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 50.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.