The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain
The developers applying for the loan believes that there is a strong fanbase for jazz in the city of Monroe and the nearest jazz music club is 65 miles away, so building a jazz music club in Monroe would be undoubtfully a profitable enterprise. While the correlation stated may seem logical, this proposal is filled with baseless assumptions which needs to be backed up by evidence before any procedure should be taken.
First of all, the claim is that over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer. Sure this claim may be true, but we are not given any background details about the city of Monroe. Monroe can be a globalized metropolitan city with over a few million citizens. If this is indeed the case, 100,000 people would mean that only a meager percentage of citizens are actually interested in the jazz festival. There is also a possibility that there are no other festivals held simultaneous to the jazz festival, so it would be natural for parents to take kids (who are on summer holiday) to the festival only to experience the festive atmosphere and not to listen to jazz. The developers should give elaborate more on the population base for the city and show evidence that the participants of the festival are indeed in it for the jazz music.
Secondly, the claim that the nation wide study shows that jazz fans spend close to $1000 per year on jazz entertainment is hardly condusive for a persuasive argument. We are not given any background information about the survey, who conducted it? And who were the targets of the surveys? We are also not given any information on how the $1000 is spent. Even if it is indeed true that jazz fans on average spend $1000 per year on jazz, they may have spent it mostly on jazz instruments and merchandises instead of going to a jazz music club. Furthoremore, nationwide statistics does not necessarily reflect the demographics and natures of the citizens of Monroe city, the citizens may all be struggling and do not have the extra money to enjoy any sort of entertainment. Evidence should be provided on the nature of the survey, and whether jazz fans really are willing to devote money to go to a jazz music club.
Lastly, the assumption is that the highest rated radio station in Monroe is “Jazz Nightly” so the citizens of Monroe are generally interested in jazz. This could have been a strong argument if this was claimed 20 years ago, but who listens to jazz now? In the era of smartphones and the internet, the influence of radio station has drastically decreased and it no longer seems to be a suitable median to measure the general interests of the citizens. Furthermore, being highest rated does not equate being most popular. More often than not do you see highly rated movies on leading critic sites such as Rotten Tomato or IMDB with a pathetic viewership. Being highly rated thus does not necessarily transform into popularity. We would need more evidence and information on how radio stations are regarded in the city of Monroe and whether ratings really transform into popularity.
In conclusion, while it may be true that there is potential to build a jazz music club in Monroe for the popularity of jazz among the citizens, the proposal is nevertheless baseless and more evidence is needed before any further evaluation can be made.
Comments
Essay evaluation report
flaws:
also need to argue:
Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself.
----------------------
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 23 15
No. of Words: 575 350
No. of Characters: 2700 1500
No. of Different Words: 254 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.897 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.696 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.619 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 176 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 127 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 94 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 58 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 11.178 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.783 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.313 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.494 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.112 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 3, column 30, Rule ID: NATION_WIDE[1]
Message: Did you mean 'nationwide'?
Suggestion: nationwide
...zz music. Secondly, the claim that the nation wide study shows that jazz fans spend close ...
^^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
actually, also, but, first, furthermore, if, lastly, may, nevertheless, really, second, secondly, so, thus, while, in conclusion, sort of, such as, first of all
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 41.0 19.6327345309 209% => Less to be verbs wanted.
Auxiliary verbs: 16.0 12.9520958084 124% => OK
Conjunction : 16.0 11.1786427146 143% => OK
Relative clauses : 15.0 13.6137724551 110% => OK
Pronoun: 28.0 28.8173652695 97% => OK
Preposition: 68.0 55.5748502994 122% => OK
Nominalization: 20.0 16.3942115768 122% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2765.0 2260.96107784 122% => OK
No of words: 575.0 441.139720559 130% => OK
Chars per words: 4.80869565217 5.12650576532 94% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.89685180668 4.56307096286 107% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.72985316431 2.78398813304 98% => OK
Unique words: 261.0 204.123752495 128% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.453913043478 0.468620217663 97% => OK
syllable_count: 883.8 705.55239521 125% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.5 1.59920159681 94% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 6.0 4.96107784431 121% => OK
Article: 8.0 8.76447105788 91% => OK
Subordination: 4.0 2.70958083832 148% => OK
Conjunction: 4.0 1.67365269461 239% => Less conjunction wanted as sentence beginning.
Preposition: 2.0 4.22255489022 47% => More preposition wanted as sentence beginning.
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 23.0 19.7664670659 116% => OK
Sentence length: 25.0 22.8473053892 109% => OK
Sentence length SD: 63.1237270361 57.8364921388 109% => OK
Chars per sentence: 120.217391304 119.503703932 101% => OK
Words per sentence: 25.0 23.324526521 107% => OK
Discourse Markers: 6.95652173913 5.70786347227 122% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 1.0 5.25449101796 19% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 17.0 8.20758483034 207% => Less positive sentences wanted.
Sentences with negative sentiment : 2.0 6.88822355289 29% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.346616645216 0.218282227539 159% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.100642843594 0.0743258471296 135% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.115655859037 0.0701772020484 165% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.227067582151 0.128457276422 177% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0989007586485 0.0628817314937 157% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 13.7 14.3799401198 95% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 54.56 48.3550499002 113% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.9 12.197005988 98% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.91 12.5979740519 87% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.25 8.32208582834 99% => OK
difficult_words: 123.0 98.500998004 125% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 13.5 12.3882235529 109% => OK
gunning_fog: 12.0 11.1389221557 108% => OK
text_standard: 14.0 11.9071856287 118% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
---------------------
Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.