Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium — substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore say that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors and that causes the bones to weaken significantly with age. But a long-term study of a large number of people found that those who consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
In the argument, the author concludes that the consumption of dairy products actually increases the chances of people getting osteoporosis. He comes to this conclusion based on the long-term study carried out on a large-number of people. While the author’s assertion might prove true, however, the author needs to provide three additional evidence to increase the persuasiveness of his argument.
First of all, the writer should provide evidence that the long-term study on the causes of osteoporosis was done in an empirical way. Perhaps the study was done superficially, and many fundamental factors that was supposed to be considered, was not put into consideration. It is also possible that the study made use of small sample size, which might not necessarily produce an accurate result. If the any of the above scenario occurred, then, the author’s contention that taking dairy products causes osteoporosis is seriously weakened.
Moreover, the author needs to show that a “large-number” of people used in the study really contain a considerable number of people living in the particular locality in which the research was conducted. A “large-number” of people can be about 50 or 100 people, which could be very little depending on the population of the community. If the study was done with 100 people in an area with a total population of 250, then the number of people involved in the study is significant; but if the study was conducted with only 100 people out of 10,000, then, the number of people involved in the research is minute. Also, even if great number of people was used to start experiment, it may be possible that same number didn’t complete it, leading to a lesser sample size. If any of the aforementioned cases occurred, then the author’s contention is not that compelling.
Finally, the author needs to support his argument by providing evidence that consumption of milk and dairy products is the major factor that contributed to bone fracture, which is a symptom of osteoporosis. It may be true that the people involved in the study, took something else apart from milk that caused osteoporosis during the course of the study, or performed some activities like playing football which caused bone fracture. Furthermore, it is highly possible that the people that participated in the study already had osteoporosis before the study, which could make the result of the experiment to change. If the author fails to provide evidence to corroborate his claim, then his argument is hampered.
In conclusion, the author may be correct in asserting that the major cause of osteoporosis is through the consumption of milk and daily product. However, as it stands now, the author needs to produce three more evidence to bolster the validity of his argument.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 2 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 4 2
No. of Sentences: 18 15
No. of Words: 457 350
No. of Characters: 2262 1500
No. of Different Words: 193 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.624 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.95 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.814 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 165 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 116 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 93 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 53 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25.389 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.776 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.833 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.38 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.59 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.119 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 3, column 114, Rule ID: IN_A_X_MANNER[1]
Message: Consider replacing "in an empirical way" with adverb for "empirical"; eg, "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
... on the causes of osteoporosis was done in an empirical way. Perhaps the study was done superficial...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 7, column 323, Rule ID: DURING_THE_COURSE_OF[1]
Message: Use simply 'during'.
Suggestion: during
...part from milk that caused osteoporosis during the course of the study, or performed some activities...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
actually, also, but, finally, first, furthermore, however, if, may, moreover, really, so, then, while, apart from, in conclusion, first of all
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 24.0 19.6327345309 122% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 9.0 12.9520958084 69% => OK
Conjunction : 6.0 11.1786427146 54% => More conjunction wanted.
Relative clauses : 21.0 13.6137724551 154% => OK
Pronoun: 28.0 28.8173652695 97% => OK
Preposition: 68.0 55.5748502994 122% => OK
Nominalization: 21.0 16.3942115768 128% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2348.0 2260.96107784 104% => OK
No of words: 456.0 441.139720559 103% => OK
Chars per words: 5.14912280702 5.12650576532 100% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.62105577807 4.56307096286 101% => OK
Word Length SD: 3.01186161754 2.78398813304 108% => OK
Unique words: 203.0 204.123752495 99% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.445175438596 0.468620217663 95% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 733.5 705.55239521 104% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 5.0 4.96107784431 101% => OK
Article: 10.0 8.76447105788 114% => OK
Subordination: 7.0 2.70958083832 258% => Less adverbial clause wanted.
Conjunction: 3.0 1.67365269461 179% => OK
Preposition: 2.0 4.22255489022 47% => More preposition wanted as sentence beginning.
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 18.0 19.7664670659 91% => OK
Sentence length: 25.0 22.8473053892 109% => OK
Sentence length SD: 46.7743466675 57.8364921388 81% => OK
Chars per sentence: 130.444444444 119.503703932 109% => OK
Words per sentence: 25.3333333333 23.324526521 109% => OK
Discourse Markers: 7.88888888889 5.70786347227 138% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 2.0 5.25449101796 38% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 6.0 8.20758483034 73% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 5.0 6.88822355289 73% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 7.0 4.67664670659 150% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.117126370683 0.218282227539 54% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0446470409765 0.0743258471296 60% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0487843786545 0.0701772020484 70% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.0742978793217 0.128457276422 58% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0201798201022 0.0628817314937 32% => Paragraphs are similar to each other. Some content may get duplicated or it is not exactly right on the topic.
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 15.5 14.3799401198 108% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 46.1 48.3550499002 95% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 13.0 12.197005988 107% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 12.89 12.5979740519 102% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 8.27 8.32208582834 99% => OK
difficult_words: 98.0 98.500998004 99% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 12.0 12.3882235529 97% => OK
gunning_fog: 12.0 11.1389221557 108% => OK
text_standard: 13.0 11.9071856287 109% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.