The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books.
"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café."
Author is claiming that, opening a cafe in Monarch Books store will attract more customers. And to support his argument he has stated that, the rival Regal Books has opened a cafe and, to increase the comptency Monarch Books store should also do the same. It is very unconvincing that others are doing it we should also do it, this approach is not good for the business.
To support the statement author should have articulated some things. Firstly, if, Monarch Books store is in business for more than 20 years and has a large customer base, do they need to attract more customers? Are they losing business? Monarch Books store is very popular for their wide selections of books on all subjects, opening a cafe might harm their current situation as they don’t know if their customers would like it or not.
Monarch Books store wants to discontinue the children’s books section and build a cafe there and, to supprt this statement author has given a reason that, recent national statistics shows that there is decline in number of children under age. Although, there is decline in the number but, the census is indicating the nationwide number, maybe in area where book store is situated it is possible that number have not gone down. Also, children come with their parents, while children look at their books parent also shop around. This can result in losing the potential customers.
The next reason for support of his claim, author states that, the rival Regal Books store has opened a cafe and Monarch Books store should also follow the same trend. Monarch Books store should consider the fact, did opening a cafe help Regal Books store to inrease or decrease the number of cutomers? And if it helped the Regal Books store, it does not mean it will do the same more Monarch Books store. Maybe Regal Books store is such part of city that more customers will come to store because of cafe. Author should have mentioned the vicinity of Monarch Books store and, if they have any potential to run a cafe. If there are any other cafes around Monarch Books store. It will not help them in any way to gain more customers.
As discussed, author has given only one reason to support his claim and has overlooked many other facts. In my opinion, author is not very persuasive about his claim and should mention some facts to bolster the claim.
Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 8 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 4 2
No. of Sentences: 20 15
No. of Words: 412 350
No. of Characters: 1880 1500
No. of Different Words: 177 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.505 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.563 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.14 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 114 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 75 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 44 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 24 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 20.6 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.362 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.55 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.378 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.378 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.16 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 4, column 217, Rule ID: DID_BASEFORM[1]
Message: The verb 'did' requires the base form of the verb: 'open'
Suggestion: open
...oks store should consider the fact, did opening a cafe help Regal Books store to inreas...
^^^^^^^
Line 4, column 618, Rule ID: SENTENCE_FRAGMENT[1]
Message: “If” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
... they have any potential to run a cafe. If there are any other cafes around Monarc...
^^
Line 5, column 218, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
...ention some facts to bolster the claim.
^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, but, first, firstly, if, look, may, so, while, in my opinion
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 15.0 19.6327345309 76% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 15.0 12.9520958084 116% => OK
Conjunction : 13.0 11.1786427146 116% => OK
Relative clauses : 9.0 13.6137724551 66% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 37.0 28.8173652695 128% => Less pronouns wanted
Preposition: 36.0 55.5748502994 65% => OK
Nominalization: 6.0 16.3942115768 37% => More nominalizations (nouns with a suffix like: tion ment ence ance) wanted.
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 1937.0 2260.96107784 86% => OK
No of words: 411.0 441.139720559 93% => More content wanted.
Chars per words: 4.71289537713 5.12650576532 92% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.50256981431 4.56307096286 99% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.20932344955 2.78398813304 79% => OK
Unique words: 182.0 204.123752495 89% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.442822384428 0.468620217663 94% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 593.1 705.55239521 84% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.4 1.59920159681 88% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 5.0 4.96107784431 101% => OK
Article: 4.0 8.76447105788 46% => OK
Subordination: 4.0 2.70958083832 148% => OK
Conjunction: 2.0 1.67365269461 119% => OK
Preposition: 4.0 4.22255489022 95% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 20.0 19.7664670659 101% => OK
Sentence length: 20.0 22.8473053892 88% => OK
Sentence length SD: 53.4395920643 57.8364921388 92% => OK
Chars per sentence: 96.85 119.503703932 81% => OK
Words per sentence: 20.55 23.324526521 88% => OK
Discourse Markers: 3.3 5.70786347227 58% => More transition words/phrases wanted.
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 3.0 5.25449101796 57% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 11.0 8.20758483034 134% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 3.0 6.88822355289 44% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 6.0 4.67664670659 128% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.365887850048 0.218282227539 168% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.137043666108 0.0743258471296 184% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.106699262122 0.0701772020484 152% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.2074468776 0.128457276422 161% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.12718681268 0.0628817314937 202% => More connections among paragraphs wanted.
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 11.0 14.3799401198 76% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 68.1 48.3550499002 141% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 8.7 12.197005988 71% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.04 12.5979740519 80% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.09 8.32208582834 85% => OK
difficult_words: 64.0 98.500998004 65% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 10.5 12.3882235529 85% => OK
gunning_fog: 10.0 11.1389221557 90% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.